I really didn't want to write anything today. I am having focus problems. Dear friends, I love reading your blogs. I truly do. In fact, many a day I enjoy reading your blogs more than I like writing my own. Some days I just read your blogs and I don't write one of my own. This is all pre-cancer news. Since finding out about my dad and his terminal diagnosis, I just can't focus. Period. I tell myself that writing a blog will be good for me. In fact, that is what I am telling myself right now. I told myself that reading your blogs would be good for me, but I couldn't focus in order to actually accomplish the task. Do I want to know what you're doing? Yes. Am I interested? Yes. Why can't I focus? I have no idea.
Do I want to blog about what happened with my dad? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.
Do I want to blog about what happened with my sister-in-law? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.
Do I want to blog about the meeting with an old friend from school? Yes. But, I can't really focus. It's a good story and I want to get it right.
Do I want to blog about the doctor appt my dad had with the surgeon who removed his colon and hooked him to the colostomy bag? And then what he said to me? Yes and no. Mostly no right now. Some doctors deserve to be smacked. He needs a good smacking. And he isn't going on my list of doctors when my website goes up. Just sayin'.
Do I want to blog about how great Hospice is? Yes and no? Mostly yes. But not right now. It makes me sad. And happy. Happy sad.
I did think of Phoenix's blog on pushing more love toward situations that you can't control. If you have tried everything else, try pushing more love toward it. I even did that. It helped and then it didn't. And then I decided to focus on what mattered. Now, the old me who could focus better would find that blog and link up to it. Why? Because it was an awesome blog that she probably wrote about eight months ago and I still remember it. A blog has to be pretty darn awesome to stick in my brain for that long. Would I like to write more about the details of this? Yes and no.
Why? Because Chris over at A Deliberate Life just wrote a blog a few days ago on Letting Go of Resentment. I didn't comment on that blog. Why? Because I couldn't focus. However, it really hit home for me. Sometimes people are who they are. I pretty much had that one figured out before I left Ohio, but reading that blog was kind of the last straw, so to speak. It helped me just to let it all go. You aren't going to change people. Not everyone is going to like you. You can be as nice to them as you know how to be. You can be yourself (how can you be anyone else?). And if they still just don't like you, they don't like you. All you can do is continue to be kind to them and treat them as nicely as you know how. That is it. Keep pushing love toward them. And if they still don't like you, well that is on them. But, let it go. You aren't going to win them all and that is that.
The last thing I can think of right now is that my neighbor suggested that I write (as in email) my congressman and then follow it up with a phone call about Social Security denying my SSDI claim. She said she worked some government agency back in the day (Medicaid maybe) and it really got the ball rolling for someone if a Congressman took an interest. Anyway, she said that because they denied my claim based on four doctors (it was supposed to be 2 of mine and 2 of theirs), but one of the doctors was someone I had never seen, I had reason to involve my Congressman. I also had reason to involve my Congressman because my representative in this case said "This kind of thing happens all the time." They were jaded by the system and how it wasn't working and not willing to fight. Their answer was an appeal, which we would have done anyway. So, blog friends, in your opinion do you think that writing and calling your local Congressman is the way to go here to speed up this process? I am interested in your thoughts...
Okay, I promise to try and be a better blog friend, and get my stuff together, so that I can put coherent thoughts together, so that I can actually read your posts. As it is, I read a little here and a little there. But, I mostly don't feel able to comment. It is very sad. I never really thought the day would come when this girl would be at a loss for words. (silently shaking head now in disbelief) So, I will work on my focus issues and hope that you bear with me while I sort it all out.
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Robin, I understand just how you are feeling. I was feeling this same way just a few months ago. Take some time for yourself, we will all be here waiting when you feel like it and are ready to return. Just take some time.
ReplyDeleteHugs...
Carol
Robin, it's totally understandable that your state of mind right now is all over the place. How can you possibly think about blogging? I think you should keep doing what you're doing, reading when you feel like it and writing when you feel like it. You're going through a huge ordeal, it's enough to rattle anyone! Stay stron and all the best to you, your dad and the rest of your family.
ReplyDeletetake your time robin...it's called shock. And my mother in law doesn't like me. I tried. I tried for years. Flowers, phone calls, visits...and she pretended to all the while giving back handed compliments and commenting behind my back. I stopped trying to please her and learned to please myself. Now I hold a lot less resentment towards her because I don't feel sucked dry by that relationship. I call it 'throwing water into a dry well". It doesn't work.
ReplyDeleteAnd frankly, if people can't see how great you are, do you really want to hang out with them...they obviously lack discretion and taste...not good friend material.
Take time to process and grieve. Hugs.
Robin: Take all the time you need and deserve. We'll still be here. Be well.
ReplyDeleteDon't push yourself. You need time to absorb and deal- this is overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteAs to the congressman question--down here, it all depends on the individual congressman/woman and whether or not they are in anybody's pocket. Sad, but true.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I understand.. it's hard to focus. You are strong.
ReplyDeleteYes, write your congressman...in a clear, direct, focused communication...not too long...just keep the relevent points and not the detail. What have you got to lose?
ReplyDeleteRobin, you have an incredibly good reason for not being able to focus on writing just now. It goes without saying that I hope you know we'll always be here waiting for you, no matter how long it takes for you to return.
ReplyDeleteYou've got WAY too much going on right now, and just need to process it all and file it away in the appropriate boxes; keep some of the boxes readily accessible, others get tied with pretty ribbons and get placed on shelves. But it takes a lot of energy to do all of that, and until it's done there's too much distraction and too little focus. So your only focus for now should be YOU. Read, write, eat, watch HGTV ... whatever is good for you, that's what you should do. The rest will follow ....
ReplyDeleteAs far as the congressman..... who knows. I've heard stories that being persistent with them often helps.
ReplyDeleteBy all means, take time. This is not a blogging contest. You are loved. shrug. That's all that's important. LOVE...... That's the only thing that's important.
Robin, you will see this through, this I know. Find your own way. I love you. Manzanita
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It just plain sucks, that's all there is to it. Some days will be better than others, and you WILL get through it. I speak from experience. It might feel like it will never end, but it will. Keep blogging!
ReplyDeleteRobin- You have more focus and relevant things to offer the universe on your worst day than many of us do on one of our best days. Yes, I have missed your wonderful posts but know that they will be there when you are ready to share them. What you are going through is so tough and there is no way to speed up the process. Just be in the moment and know that things will happen as they are meant to. I have been remiss in posting myself as there are many things I still need to process, even as good things have come my way. It just seems to be the way I work and I'm not going to be too hard on myself. Neither should you be...
ReplyDeletehope you are well today, was thinking of you and dropped in.
ReplyDeleteRobin: Just saying hi.
ReplyDeleteI've got a couple rules that get me through life. A few months ago, I had to make a rule about blogging. And it was this: if it's hard, or feels like a chore, or I just can't focus, then I give myself permission to step away from the computer and not blog until it's no longer hard, it's no longer a chore, and it's no longer hard to focus.
ReplyDeleteBe kind and gentle to yourself and if it takes you three months, then it takes you three months and people will deal with it.
Take care of YOU first. YOU. K?
Hugs and all the love in the world,
Trace