YOUR DAILY DOSE

Oh Yeah, I Chose It.

2012-01-28T13:02:00.003-05:00

I have spent a great deal of time pondering many of your comments on my previous post. Thank you very much for all of that great insight. Chris, over at a Deliberate Life, said something that really hit me between the eyes. Truth does that to you sometimes. She addressed my friend becoming a victim. You see, I feared that was where she was headed and was trying to save her. It didn't occur to me that she was already there. That was the first "aha" moment. The second was when I realized that we choose it. Every person who is a victim chooses it at some point. If you don't believe me, read this post. I wrote it. It is an early one. It is my damage. It was tough to write.

I am now going to operate under the assumption that you read it, processed it, and are back with me. I talk about losing my voice in that post. Owning my damage. Sometimes it takes a while to see the extent of the damage. That day I chose to be a victim. I would never have believed that had you asked me that was the choice I was making. However, that was the choice I was making. I let the fear win that day. And the first time the fear wins, it kicks your butt every day after. It rules you. You are its bitch. You are a victim. Let's not dress it up and make it pretty.

I did not like being a victim. My spirit did not embrace this role willingly at all. It literally made me sick. It did everything it could think of to make me choose differently. Had it not been for two little kids that I felt desperately needed me, I would have walked away and not looked back. Eventually, I had to pretty much do that anyway.

However, before I got it, I met yet another Victimizer and went round again. For regular readers of this blog, I have called him Flash. When you are still caught up in the Victim Role, someone will step in to play Victimizer. That is just how it works folks. It is all about learning the lesson. Until you learn to stop being the Victim, there will be a Victimizer. Period. And we did the dance until I was sick to death of it. I had to get out. I didn't know how so I called upon someone smarter than myself and asked for help. And that person told me how to deal with people like these people.

In the process, I learned the lesson that held me in these relationships in the first place: My needs are just as important as yours. I can't allow you superimpose your needs onto mine. That isn't love. And if you are trying to do that, I have to look out for myself and be responsible for my needs and break away from you. Period.

Now, why it took two teachers and five years to learn that one.... I don't know.

Do you see how that revolves around honesty? And speaking out for yourself? Speaking your truth is hard. However, I think people respect people who speak their truth. And love and respect can't flourish without the other.

As for my friend, I now get what she is facing. I lived in an untenable situation for years that drove my friends and family insane for years. They couldn't get me to leave. Of course, I wouldn't leave because I couldn't take the children because they legally weren't mine, and I desperately needed to save them. Her situation is different. However, when you are being brainwashed, and or guilted, by a master your judgment is lousy. I have compassion for this horror because I have lived this nightmare.

HOUSE IS RIGHT; ANNE FRANK YOU ARE OUTTA HERE

2012-01-27T01:32:00.008-05:00

Honestly, I wish one of you could smack me. As in Literally. Smack. Me.

Some people never learn. I think I just might be one of those people. Seriously. A dumbass. There really are times that you should keep your opinion to yourself even when it seems like someone wants your opinion. They don't. It only appears that they do. But, they don't. They really don't. Even what you give to them is basically a rehash of what they just said to you. Even if you are affirming what they said... they do not want that. All of the signs point to them wanting that, but they don't.

And I should know this. Because the territory that we are in is marital territory. Worse yet, it is rocky marital territory. And when the signs point to the husband being a real jerk to your friend (even if he is a sick jerk, which only makes it worse, for the record) you should keep your opinions to yourself. Even if those opinions sound supportive, it turns out they are not. Because sick husband has lots of pull and is trying to manipulate friend into life altering decisions. And those decisions are clearly not good for your friend, so you say so.

Bad idea.

Why? Because friend is angry at sick husband, but feels guilty about being angry at sick husband. However, once she thinks about what you have said, she can transfer all of that anger onto you. Even though the only things that you said were repeats, for the most part, of what she said. To be fair, I did come up with a possibly crazy idea that husband might have had that made him look very bad and was completely loco. However, husband is acting loco.

The other thing is that my friend is the nicest person I know. As in 100 times nicer than I am. And I got run over by a master manipulator. Her husband has her tied up in knots. Sounds like he is already doing some manipulating of his own. I know what it is like to get taken down. I just didn't want to see it happen to her. And in the process of trying to protect her... well, I think we really aren't talking anymore.

I sent her an apology email a month ago and told her that I just wanted to support her no matter what. Nothing.

I sent her an email this morning... long and detailed about the death of my aunt. She sent me back one sentence telling me that she was sorry and another that she was praying for me and my mother. Then she said that things were better at her house and included a sentence about her kids. Four sentences. My grief totaled four sentences for her. One I'm sorry. One pray for you and mom. And two more to let me know that her family was carrying on good as new.

I am losing my faith in people. I used to hold that Anne Frank quote close to the chest for dear life, "I still believe that people are good at heart." I am no longer convinced. I feel a lot more like Greg House on House, MD. "Everyone lies." He is a big believer in disappointment. You expect people to lie, cheat, etc. then you will not be disappointed. It is only when you raise the bar and have expectations that you flounder around in disappointment like jelly in a jar.

I am sitting here thinking about how to end this blog and wishing that I had the other point of view, her point of view, to close with, in order to give this all meaning. I pushed all of her concerns back at her so hard because they were valid and she needed to stand up for herself. Instead, she got so angry that she couldn't even stand up to ME. We have been best friends since the seventh grade. She met this man three years ago and got married after knowing him only a couple of months. If she can't stand up to me, who will love her forever and always, no matter what she says, how can she stand up to someone who she feels has no respect for her (her words)?

And why am I the person she is no longer speaking to and things are peachy with him?

image found on someone's facebook page.... hilarious. subject matter of this blog not at all funny.

If You Mean It, Say It.

2012-01-19T14:02:00.010-05:00

This is going to be a quick one. For those of you who want the uplifting post, check out my last one... HERE'S TO YOU MONDAY. It was my old-style HERE'S TO YOU post with dedications. For those of you just wanting the dirt, well there isn't much to tell except the update on my aunt.

She passed away yesterday at 11am. It was a relief. Her organs were shutting down. She was no longer responsive. She had stopped drinking fluids several days before. Her temperature was spiking and she was feverish because her body could no longer control it. The doctors gave her liquid stuff at first and then suppositories, but the latter were painful for her, due to the bone cancer. However, when she stopped being able to swallow there was no other choice.

I knew that she was going when she came to me in a dream the night before and we said our good-byes. I was pretty deeply asleep and don't recall much of the specifics. I do know that she helped work out some of my issues that I was carrying around about my father's death (still). Amazing how we drag that baggage around. I was finally able to let that go and it was a relief. It also gave me some much-needed perspective about what was going on here. There was this part of me that was feeling very left out that I kept missing out on my personal good-bye with her no matter how much time I spent at the hospital. And I was mad about it. It expressed itself as frustration and disappointment, but I was mad.

The times that I did see her she she didn't know me. And that hurt. Every time I felt close to getting my shot at good-bye she didn't know who I was. Everyone else in the family had this big closure and I was walking around feeling extremely left out. You see, we do need closure. As human beings, we crave it. That is the only consolation to a death like this is the getting the chance to say the unsaid things. But I wasn't getting to say them because she never knew who I was. And I was pissed. Other people who hadn't lived here for twenty years and spent near as much time with her had gotten what I missed.

Life just isn't fair. How many times did my dad say that to me when I was a kid? Well, if I a had a nickel I would be a rich woman.

After I had that dream, it all stopped mattering. Life isn't fair. But her spirit knew who she missed her good-byes with and she was making the rounds. I wasn't left out.

Isn't that what we fear the most? Being left out. Not important enough for that last good-bye. You see, I am lucky. I am blessed. God has given me this gift that I remember my dreams. I know who from the Other Side (or almost Other Side) comes to visit me and I remember. And maybe she knew that. Or not. But, I wasn't unimportant. And we had this amazing conversation that I can't quite recall, but I remember enough of to make this huge difference in my life.

Just like all of the conversations with my dad after he has passed have made this huge difference in my life.

My aunt has told me hundreds of times that she loves me. Every single one of those times was just as important as that last time. Yet, it is the last time we remember because it is the LAST time. The lesson here is that we need to start saying it more if we mean it. You never know when the last time will be the last time. Every time is important. Not everyone remembers when their dead relatives visit them in their dreams to give them that closure that they desperately need. So, if they EVER said it and truly meant it, then it counts. You made a difference. You were loved.

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU MONDAY

2012-01-16T16:58:00.003-05:00

SURPRISE. This is the Thursday post that I referred to over a week ago. Things are still chaos here, but I really need to let off some steam. So, this just felt like a good idea.

If you are wondering what I am blathering on about, let me catch you up to speed. Drum roll please. I present to you HERE'S TO YOU MONDAY. With love.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. (It used to be a weekly event. And I hope it will be a weekly event again soon:-) The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for Mary the Food Floozie:

This one is for Mary F at Go Ahead... Take A Bite:

This one is for Shoes at Red Shoes Chronicles:

This one is for Phoenix at Res ipsa loquitor and Lira The Struggling Actress:

This one is for Leanne at From Chaos Comes Happiness:

This one won't imbed. Sorry!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BU5LUrKetpM

This one is for me:

I tried to link in everyone's blogs and blogger acted up and wouldn't let me do it. I think you can find everyone in my sidebar if you want to check out the blogs each video "belongs to" so to speak.

And the image was found at www.weheartit.com.

Cancer. The Great Snatch and Grab.

2012-01-11T11:40:00.003-05:00

I didn't pick my words for the year lightly. The Art of Allowing. Grace. I kinda sorta knew I was going to need them.

So many people were so happy to kick 2011 to the curb and I was one of them. I barely got in to 2011 and my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and it just derailed my life. One of the biggest things that I struggled to come to terms with last year was that I was losing one of two people who loved me unconditionally. Other people might say they do or want to, but your parents do. And they are really the only ones. So, when his six months turned into three and he died in May, well my motivation to do much of anything kinda sorta died with him. My migraines notched up, my chronic fatigue kicked in, my fibro went a little crazy, and I think that maybe I lost my mind a little. I didn't want to blog. I really didn't want to get out of bed. I spent more days than not in my pajamas. My mom was lucky to get me on facebook and play games. I found some games that would help with my memory and I decided that was good for me and fun. Mostly I didn't have to think about anything and that was what I wanted most. As luck would have it, I think it did help improve my memory to a point. I still get stuck sometimes, but it is better.

Then I started having balance issues. Then the inner ear diagnosis. And life just felt really hard again. I really should have seen that as the big build up.

Then my aunt and uncle come over for Christmas and she is not doing well. She is in a wheel chair because she is having trouble with her legs. She whispers to me on the side, "Oh Robin, Don't tell anyone because I don't want to ruin the holiday, but I think the cancer really got me this time." I find out she is going in for a PET scan that week. (And when I say "this time" it is only because this extremely tough woman has beaten cancer over and over again.") Well, she was admitted to the hospital before the results of her scan came in. And various teams kept coming in with conflicting news about what they were going to do.

In the end, there wasn't much to do. Once the PET scan results came in the decision was made. I happened to be there when this news was delivered because I was on my way to my therapy appt downtown. There was cancer in her lungs. Fluid in her lungs. The doctor didn't want to say it. Stage 4. It was like all of the oxygen left the room. It had also traveled to her lymph nodes. And all of the pain she was feeling was because it was in her bones. Pretty much all of her bones. She has holes in her bones.

There is something about hearing Stage 4. For me, that day, I was right back in 2011. It was my dad all over again. And I was drowning in it. I suppose it was a good thing that I couldn't stay due to my therapy appt. It game me the opportunity to go and cry through that appt. And then all evening at home.

By the next day, I had some perspective. As terrible as this is for me, and it is bad. I love my aunt. We moved here in 1997 to be closer to her. So, this is a loss for me. However, this is not the loss of a parent. My mom is experiencing the loss of a sister. My uncle is experiencing the loss of a wife. My cousins are losing their mother. While this reminds me of my dad... this is not my dad. Unfortunately, my aunt doesn't have even close to the amount of time my dad had. Yesterday, the doctors are saying ONE WEEK. All of these people are having to mentally adjust to this loss in less than a week. I wasn't ready in three months.

The truth is that I am still not ready. But cancer doesn't wait until you are ready. It just snatches and grabs and all you are left with is a hole in your heart. Last time I drowned in it. This time I really want to find some Grace.

The Art of Allowing and Grace.

2012-01-05T00:20:00.005-05:00

It is a little after midnight and I am rethinking my plan for Thursday's post. I was actually going to do a traditional Thursday post later... meaning after I go to bed in a few minutes and wake up on it "tomorrow." However, the response to all of my Here's To You posts wasn't the jump up and down excitement that I was hoping for when I posted them. I think maybe I was Thursday post deprived and threw too many out there all at once. And during the holidays when everyone is soooo busy, no less.

I also didn't account for the fact that people just plain stop reading your blog when you stop writing consistently. So, while I was ready for all of that HERE'S TO YOU love and awesomeness... I think I might have been the only one ready to take on so much at once. Chris hung in for a good bit of it. I am not sure if she watched all of the posts, but she did comment on most of them. (Yay Chris!)

Several bloggers in this ole blogosphere embrace a word or an idea for their New Year's Resolution as opposed to actual resolutions. I did that last year because it made more sense. Of course, mine got blown to bits when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My whole life just went fizzle. Of course, I have spent days thinking about what I should choose this year and the only thing I can come up with is this: the Art of Allowing. And Grace. They definitely work hand in glove with one another.

The Art of Allowing, as I understand it, is making space for the things you want in your life. There is an art to that. You only have so much space. You do have to allow the good things in. They do not just come. Of course, life is always about lessons, and not all of them are good, and that is when we get to exercise Grace. The Art of Allowing and Grace. These are two things that I will get to use for the rest of my life, but I would like to focus on this year. I would like to become really excellent at Allowing good things into my life, and exercising Grace when a Life Lesson walks through the door instead.

So, in the spirit of Allowing, I will give you time to get caught up on your blog reading and watch my Here's To You Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and New Year Special. Yeah, I think I did four of them. Whew. The New Year One was a departure for me stylistically and I am curious about what you think about it.... If you like it, I will do it again. If not, well I still think you should always try something once! And the Grace part... I think the old me might have taken it personally that people stopped reading my blog, weren't as excited as I was, blah blah blah. Or maybe not. I don't know. I just believe now that we find the things that are meant to touch our lives when we are meant to find them. If we find them too soon, they don't impact us right. There really is a plan. So, perhaps Grace is always at work in its own way and I am just choosing to step outside of myself and see it more clearly.

As for that Thursday post, it is all written down and ready to go. That means dedications and all. So, when you all get back to your regular schedules and are ready for it, be on the lookout. I am thinking maybe next week. Yeah, the news will be old, which will mean you will have to dig a little deeper to figure out what I am referring to, but you can still shoot me an email. I am all about the Grace baby!!!!

image found at www.photobucket.com

HERE'S TO YOU ~ NEW YEAR'S STYLE

2012-01-02T16:06:00.005-05:00

One of the things that I have NEVER done with a Thursday post is intersperse dialogue of explanation into a post. I decided that just once to ring in the New Year just might be the time. I am all about trying new things. And if you guys really like it, I just might do it again. That is how this blog rolls, after all. So we shall see.

So, in a bizarre sort of a way, I am going to tell a story. In my mind, all TV shows (non-reality), books, music, etc. tell stories. And we identify with them because they tell our story at some point in time. When the days comes that it hits us where we live, that is when we have the "aha" moment. Until then, it is just a story. And we all love a great love story, but we find ourselves crying our eyes out over the forgiveness stories, the people who have to work hard to beat the odds, people who keep getting tough life lessons and prevailing... these are the stories we love. These are our stories.

So, let us begin with a short clip from what has become a very inspirational show to me: Friday Night Lights. It is all of a minute and a half and it makes me cry every time.

It will not embed, so you have to click on the link. Sorry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBjP0AFZM3A&feature=related

Now, I hope you didn't cheat and actually watched the clip so that my commentary makes sense. That kid had more crap thrown at him while he was still in high school than most people get. And you have two choices... you can stay stuck in that bathtub or you can get out. That is it. You don't see it in that clip, but he gets it, and mentally gets out of the tub. Not everyone does. They might physically get out of the tub, but mentally be in the tub for the rest of their life blaming everyone else for their failures.

Let's take a look at our next life lesson:

I debated the many ways of putting this one up. This is from Gilmore Girls and showcases the sadness of the Luke/Lorelei breakup. I thought about posting the actual breakup, but there were too many scenes to really get the pain of it. This is way post break up and there is still so much freaking pain there. My point is that if two people really love each other deeply than they should forgive and work harder. These two BOTH made bad choices. Both need to forgive and both need to work at moving back together. I like to think that if the series hadn't been cancelled we would have eventually gotten to see that on film.

Which brings me to something that Chris over at a Deliberate Life (see my sidebar) has been talking about in her blog recently: How Bad Do Want It? This shall be discussed more fully after the clip:

I am just going to assume that you watched the video. The song was by Tim McGraw. Clips from Supernatural. I like the combo. They are literally fighting the supernatural (all manner of demons, etc.) and laying it all out on the line. So, they want it pretty bad. There is no half measures for them. Chris approaches her weight loss the same way. I think that if the rest of us approached our lives like that, the whole world would get spun on its ear. That really is the only question: how bad do you want it???? You want it bad enough and you will make it happen. 'Nuff said.

With that in mind, I love this next clip. It offers some perspective on this here world:

Every town is a Devil Town. Just so you know, my original thought was to put this to a Buffy clip but one doesn't exist. However, that would have been selfish, simply because I have been experiencing Buffy withdrawals here. And it would have been deceptive. I could have used the original music video, but I don't like it. So, I went with the FNL video, which is where I found the song. Plus, it lends itself to it. All of the people in that town are good and bad. They all stand up and they all fall down. The thing is you choose. Every day. Vampires are energy suckers. Every day you choose whether or not you are going to be one. Each day that you choose to give and not suck, it gets easier to make that same choice the next day. Each day you choose to not let someone suck your energy, it gets easier to choose that the next day. Make no mistake. It is a Devil Town, but your CHOICE.

This next clip is absolutely perfect for forgiveness because it goes full circle:

In the beginning, you saw a man that after most of his adult life was still not ready to embrace forgiveness. You also saw that it was eating away at him. It hurt me to watch it. It hurt his family to watch it. In a few brief phrases, the old man (aka God) put an explanation to it that made me feel somewhat better about it. Forgiveness doesn't always happen all at once. And then Adam came along and sat down. He had been angry at Joan for months, pushed her out of his life, and denied the feelings he had for her. Then he SAID OUT LOUD why people do the stupid things they do to each other. Why they don't forgive. They are scared. Scared of being hurt. And he was tired of being scared. He was ready to let that go. Forgiveness did happen that day. Joan wanted her dad to find his missing note, but he wasn't ready. However, Adam was. It is a beautiful thing.

This song always makes me think of JJ, The Disconnected Writer (see the sidebar):

He always likes to throw out big philosophical questions and see how people respond to them. What if history started now, what kind of world would you want if you could have anything? Be careful what you wish for... I am curious to hear your thoughts. Though I hate to end my post on this note because you won't respond to any of the rest of my clips and I have put a lot of thinking into them. So, bring on those thoughts, but tell me what you think about everything else, too.

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU SATURDAY

2011-12-31T19:41:00.005-05:00

We are hovering on the brink of a New Year and I am determined to keep up my end of the bargain and put out my consecutive days of HERE'S TO YOU posts. I feel like if I ring in the New Year right I just might have momentum on my side. I still don't feel great, but maybe I can begin with better habits!

I mentioned yesterday the criteria for making these posts. Hope. Laughter. Inspiration. Joy. It occurred to me today that I left out Forgiveness. Naturally, all of those clips make me cry. The others not so much. I think it is why the biggie, Forgiveness, got shuffled off to the backburner. However, there is nothing more inspirational than Forgiveness is there? So, I had to throw some in today. Everything else still goes. And I may think yet of some important thing that should be in this mix that isn't. Good thing I am giving myself several days to work through it!

So, lean back and allow yourself to receive the awesomeness that I give to you. May it warm your spirit, make you laugh, cry, and feel inspired in the New Year. And, yeah, I still have more for tomorrow. I am back to officially being a youtube Junkie.

This one wouldn't embed, but it is important to watch it first. Sorry!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-pKvphl4zs

This one also woudn't embed, but it is next in line. Sorry!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2TiSXhXitI

HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY

2011-12-30T17:09:00.005-05:00

I promised with yesterday's HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY post that I would continue to bring the love. And so I will. Once again, I am not sending these out directed at anyone in particular, but I do suspect you might feel more attachment to some than others. I know that I did think of some of you while watching them. However, the only real requirement to make this list is that they be inspiring in some way. Hope. Laughter. Inspiration. Joy.

With that in mind, we shall begin with Joy... People, this is all for YOU!!!! Soak it up!!!

This one wouldn't embed, but you really should watch them in order... sorry!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbnN6Xj86I8

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY

2011-12-29T17:39:00.004-05:00

Did you guys know that today is Thursday? I realized it today when I had my appointment for vertibral therapy. Before that, I started thinking that I would like to do a Thursday post. Of course, I am totally not prepared for a Thursday post. A Thursday post takes a good week of blog reading and taking notes and letting things soak on my mental burner. And then I spend a lot of time on youtube trying to match up all of that reading and thinking and soaking. That is how a Thursday post is born. I didn't even have time to try and do speed reading today due to my appointment and hope my "psychic abilities" would aid me in pulling something together that would match up with what is going on in your worlds. However, all day that Thursday post feeling has hung with me.

So, I started thinking about inspirational things to me. I thought that would make a good Thursday post. It could be a combo of funny, inspirational, cool things. So, I got on youtube and began trolling. Do you know how long it has been since I have done that? No. I know you don't. Well, that site is still laced with visual crack. Ah, the sweetnesss.

And, I have WAY more stuff than one post can hold. I am thinking maybe I will do this for a couple of days. Kind of like a build up for the new year. And I think that all of you will find yourselves in their somewhere. I know that I thought of all of you as I watched various videos and thought, "so and so will really like this one," but it will be even better without the dedication. We shall see what video speaks to whom and if I guess right without actually putting a name on it.

Anyway, there is a little bit of everything. And I am still trolling youtube because I am now hooked. Seriously. So, here is the love. It is all for YOU!!!!

image found at www.weheartit.com

LOST IN SPACE AND A HINT OF JASMINE

2011-12-14T12:51:00.008-05:00

I promised I would post the "after" before it became months after and here I am. I decided I better get it down while it was all fresh.

One of my doctor's said that I might discover just how much my meds are doing for me when I come off of them for this test and go without. That was partly right. I did find out how much they were blocking many of my symptoms because I was down and out miserable for the three days prior to the test and going in to the test. In fact, I was in such bad shape the doctor had doubts about my ability to get through the test (but that is jumping ahead). It did confirm to me that I have a bad case of fibromyalgia, in case I had doubts. My hands and feet felt like someone was pounding nails in them the first day. Then they were on fire the next day. The day after that they were just ice cold and sweaty and hurt. Sleeping was iffy all three days. My TMJ reactivated in a big way. And I couldn't breathe deeply because my left side hurt for two days. I also had a meltdown on day three when I was convinced I was having a heart attack. That was when my hands and feet went numb and shooting pains when down my left arm. Of course, none of this was helped by the fact that I dreamt that I died on night one and I literally felt my spirit leave my body. It was very peaceful and I think my dad was there. Also, all of my nerve endings were screaming. I could hear and smell everything. Anytime I breathed deeply my teeth hurt. I constantly thought about pulling all of my teeth out with pliers. 24.7. By day three all of muscles went into involuntary spasm including the ones on my face. So, I was literally this jerking mess who had no control over my body. Now, throw in the fact that I was so dizzy all of the time and couldn't eat for three days because I was constantly nauseated and you have a fairly complete picture of what I looked like on Monday for this test. Oh, and coming off my meds gave me the runs. It REALLY wasn't pretty.

So, when the doctor said we might not be able to do it, all I could hear in my head was Joy from MY NAME IS EARL. Joy has a foul mouth. Fortunately, I kept it inside. But, Joy said, "Ah hell to the no."

And Robin said, "I think we should give it a try." And that meant pulling it together and exercising every last bit of control and getting through it because I was not going through this again. Of course, somewhere in that drug induced nightmare, I already decided not to go back on some of my meds NO MATTER WHAT. Yeah, you read that right. Doctors are funny people. My doctor would have read that and said, "But all of that pain was caused by you going off that medication."

My response is this: "But sir: I wasn't THAT BAD BEFORE I WENT ON!"

And that says to me that something has to give. Yeah, I had a lot of pain. I was hurting. I still am. But, I wasn't a freak show.

Back to the test.

I made it through. And found out some bad news about my inner ear. Turns out that most people who have an inner ear problem usually have a problem on one side. That is not great but one side can rehab off the other side. That reminds me how amazing the body is. Turns out that my inner was blown in both sides. I have less than 30% function in both sides. It totally explains the dizziness I am feeling. The doctor says that I literally cannot find myself in space. There are no pills, no surgery for this. However, there is vertibral rehab. The idea is to (re)teach your inner ear all of this stuff that it used to know. Until then, I am very reliant on physical and visual cues. It is why I always need to lean my head against something in order to not feel sick to my stomach. That is how I know where I am in space. It is why I spend a lot of time holding onto walls when I walk. Quick turns are not a good idea. It is why I landed in the bathtub that time after flushing the toilet.

As for the what caused this? The doctor doesn't know. It can be anything from medications to an infection to an autoimmune issue. The thing is that there are lots of causes. My gut says that it is one or the combo of these meds to treat the fibro and the antidepressants. They have all had bad side effects with me. Namely they continue to make my hair fall out. I realized that in my three day horror when all of my senses were heightened and I was lying in bed with nothing to do but think. I have already begun the search for natural alternatives and will suffer the difference. I am going to push my doctor for rehab alternatives to treat my fibro, as opposed to medicinal ones. I want my inner ear to repair itself; I don't want it battling against any drugs that caused the damage in the first place.

As for the hint of Jasmine... I finally met The Yellow Rose of Texas... my first blog friend come to life in person. My only wish is that I had been in a healthier place. She caught me the day after the hearing test. I was back on enough of my meds that I wasn't a blobbering fool. Plus, I had gotten some sleep. We only met for a few hours and it was pretty much all spent at yet another one of my doctor appts (yes, the timing was sucky). However, she was delightful and it was exciting how many ideas we had in common!!! Not only that, but shared life experience! How exciting to say... and then this happened, but I learned such and such and to have another voice pipe in and say "Me too!" Yes, it was a great time! We laughed a lot and sighed a lot and did some head shaking over some life lessons that we wish had come easier or sooner... but it is what it is! My only regret is that we forgot to take a picture... not that she would have let me post it... lol.

image found at www.weheartit.com

It Goes Down Best With Bullets.

2011-12-06T12:35:00.008-05:00

This is by no means a regular deal ~ yet ~ but I have gotten your lovely emails and whatnot and I miss you, too. The thing is that reading is difficult for me right now. Writing (aka typing) is also not a walk in the park. So, I feel a bit guilty throwing out a post with no intention of reading what you have going on in your blogs. With that in mind, you need to catch me up in your comments or send me an email. I just can't do a whole lot of reading these days. I am hoping that will change soon. The other reason I haven't posted is that I really haven't felt like it. That is as honest as I know to be. I am just not really thinking in a straight line and it always seemed "hard" when I thought about it. With that in mind, I did have some blogging ideas for the future that I will mention as you will see....

So, let's do this post the way that I do best when I don't really think straight: yep, bullet style. That way I can just throw it out there.

I have mostly been playing memory games on facebook. I got the idea about a year ago when my memory sucked so bad that I was grasping at words. It has helped. I think working that memory muscle is like every other one.
That is not to say that I still don't get stuck on spelling words that I should know how spell or other things equally annoying. It just doesn't happen all of the time like it used to, which is something of a relief. For instance, right now the word hundred is in my head. Did I spell that right? It feels right, but I am just not sure. And that crap makes me nuts. I used to KNOW.
I just finished the first season of THE PRACTICE on DVD. It was written by David E. Kelley (the same guy who wrote Ally McBeal). I didn't watch it from the beginning so a lot of the shows were new to me. However, I loved that show. And still do. He is such an amazing writer, with amazing characters, storylines, and always leaves you debating yourself over some moral question at the end. Love it. I wish more shows did that. I love a show that makes you think.
Of course, I moved on to MY NAME IS EARL. Yeah, I finally got Season 2 on Amazon on sale. That show is Hilarious. Not sure it makes me think a whole lot, but it makes me laugh a ton. And I really need that. Laughter is good for the soul.
My mom switched our regular TV from DirectTV over to cable. Eventually the cable in this area will pick up more channels. The only big loss as far as I am concerned is OWN. Yeah, that is the Oprah Winfrey Network.
And that brings me to the blog I was thinking of writing, but could never think in a straight line long enough to do it... Actually it was a series of blogs based on Oprah's Lifeclass. Yeah, that show hit me in a PROFOUND way. I didn't know this until Oprah stopped interviewing and started talking that she is Amazing.
Anyway, she did this show called Oprah's Lifeclass that was on at 8:00 on OWN (it's in reruns now) and she chose a few "lessons" that she learned from her guests and then picked footage from her shows to highlight these lessons. Talk about Eye Opening. I had an "A Ha" moment every night at 8:00 pm.
Meanwhile, I thought, "I have to share this awesomeness with my blogger friends." Her page has clips from each show. So, my idea was to have Life Class right here with the video and my thoughts and then to challenge each of you to post the video and right your own thoughts on it. (Look what I just did. "right your own thoughts" This is why I am not writing anymore!!!!! I am an English major. This mutilation of the language makes me insane!) And then sit back and watch the "A Ha" moments spread across the world.
No point in dreaming small.
For the record, I haven't given up on that one. I have merely shelved it until I can think in a straight line again.
So what is my biggest problem, you ask?
Right now, I am freaking dizzy. As in my spacial orientation sucks. As in I am holding onto walls. Like right now I have head planted into the back of this recliner to keep the world in check. And, of course, my migraines are freaking off the charts.
Due to this ear thing, I have a test called an ENG scheduled for next week that requires that I be off of all my migraine and other meds. You read that right. So, I am titrating down right now and go cold turkey on Friday.
As I have quit them, the dizzy, the migraines, and the general pain has gotten worse. As has my ability to think clearly (hence the bullets).
On a totally different note, I feel almost completely certain that Mr. Electric is thinking about me (aka Right Guy turned Not Right Guy after I gave up on him). However, I think he might still be Right Guy. Don't know about that. Definitely Mr. Electric.
Anyway, it just came to me a few days ago. I haven't even thought about him in forever. And I KNEW he was thinking about me. For those of you who doubt my psychic ability, feel free. Anyway, this has happened before, but it was several years ago.
That time I repeatedly imagined him calling me. Well, he did. Only I left the house and forgot my cell phone and my stepdad and answered it. It was the one and only time my stepdad has ever answered my cell. Mr. Electric has trust issues and that tore it for him. He was convinced I will still involved with the liar, cheater, ex-boyfriend.
Anyway, I am back to imagining him calling me and me answering my phone. Sometimes you have to take the imagery further.
For a long time I was really ticked about how that went down. Now I realize that he wasn't ready for me and I had yet to fully understand (aka process) the lessons that both of my exes taught. There was a lot of stuff in there. In fact, I am not really sure I got it all until recently. Hmmm. Timing really is everything, no?

Well, I will try to keep you in the loop about my test sooner. That means posting something next week or so, rather than next month or so. I don't know when I will be back to reading your blogs. Just bear with me. Let me know what you think about the series of blogs on the LifeClass. I will probably do my own thing anyway, but I am still curious. I have found it is good to get the opinions of others, but best to do WHAT YOU FEEL in your own gut.

What Do You See?

2011-10-10T14:12:00.005-04:00

I just read Chris's post It's Never Too Late to Lose Weight over at A Deliberate Life. I was pondering a comment and decided to forgo that and just write my own post. Funny how those things work. If you would like to read Chris's post, she is in My Favorite Reads (or something like that) in the sidebar to the left. It is a couple days old now, so click on her and not her most current post.

You might be wondering why I read a weight loss blog. You might not. Chris is uber-inspirational to me. I dig in there and figure out how I can apply all that weight loss stuff to life. The thing is that it isn't that hard. Sometimes it is glaringly obvious. Sometimes not so much. Sometimes, like today, it is on the tip of tongue, and I can't quite get a handle on it.

So, I am going to tell you that dream I had a while back about my dad that I promised you in the Thursday post. In my dream, I was in the middle of a large body of water with no land in sight. I had in my hands something that could save me. But the only thing that I had to activate it was a sharp implement and it was very delicate. There were two canisters and a lot of dangerous territory inside this thing. I heard a voice tell me that if the sharp implement punctured anything other than the canisters (which were difficult to reach) I would die. So, I asked what would happen if I didn't mess with the canisters at all? And the answer was that I would die. So, I took a shot and lost. The voice, which I think was God, told me that I had punctured something other than the canisters and I would die.

I asked if I would drown. The voice said that something from the canisters was going to come out, like foam, and consume all of the air space. I would be encapsulated in it. The strange thing is this: when you KNOW you are going to die, that there is no choice, you don't get upset. At least I didn't. My first thought was that I would be with my dad again. And I said that out loud. Then I turned around and there he was. He was young again like when I was a kid.

He said, "You know we're all gonna die someday."

I laughed. He was right, after all. He then said, "It is all about what you do now. Create all you can while you can." He then paused and said, "Do you want to see what I have been working on?"

"Yes," said I with surprise.

He pulled out this piece of wood, circular in shape, one inch thickness, probably 24 square inches give or take. It was gorgeous. He had cut, sanded, stained, finished, and done the artwork on it himself. Yes, there was artwork on it. There were these delicate flowers burnt into the wood and painted all sorts of colors. And they ran around it in a vine pattern. In the middle there was a saying that I wish I could remember. But the essence was not to take yourself too seriously. Have fun with this thing called life.

How does this relate to Chris's post? Well, I am not having any fun. My head is killing me. I know that it is a head game. I know so many things but I am still spinning my wheels. I have had said to mom that I think I need to experience the frustration of the SSD system up close and personal in order to truly be empathetic to all of the people I want to help when the time comes. My experience has been that you aren't nearly as empathetic until it hits you where you live. So, I grit my teeth and barrel through, but there are days I want to just rip my head right off.

And that is the other thing I have learned. This far into the SSD game you can't change doctors. You can add doctors, but you can't change. If you have doctors that support your claim, you can't change. Even if they aren't doing what you would have them do to get you better, you can't change. You need them. I need to understand what these people are up against and the only way is to experience every rotten thing. That is how I will help change it in the future. You can't change what you don't know. If it was smooth sailing for me, I wouldn't get someone else's rocky road through the system.

For everyone who is still reading this blog, thank you. I am going to do my best to write more often. I need to write more often. My hands are giving me problems. So, we shall see. The doctors are thinking maybe RA. I just had some bloodwork done, so I don't know yet. I just know that my joints hurt. Operating the mouse isn't so bad, but typing hurts. You may be getting those shorter posts after all!

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY

2011-08-25T23:07:00.006-04:00

You better sit down for this. I decided a couple of days ago that I really wanted to do my regular Thursday post. If you fell down, it is your own fault. I suggested that you sit. I know. I am really shocked, too. The feeling just came over me. If you don't know what I am talking about, that only shows how long it has been. A long dog-gone time. Anyway, what is a Thursday post you say?

Well... it used to be a weekly event. Something to be anticipated with relish and excitement. Seriously. I anticipated it that way. It went a lot like this one is going to roll out. Only every Thursday.

Here is the explanation: Today is the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. (As I said, it used to be a weekly event.) The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

Now this particular piece of flash mob action happened right here in my hometown and I missed it. Fortunately, other people were there and it made youtube. I think it is totally awesome.

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:

This one is for The Factory Girl:

This one is for Quilting Ranny:

This one is for Empty Nester at Empty Nest:

This one is for Phoenix at Res ipsa loquitor:

image found at http://www.weheartit.com/

I love all of you big-time and have missed you. I am really trying to get back to me. I think of this clip from Grey's Anatomy. It sort of applies. Sadly, I couldn't find it on youtube. WTF? Anyway... it was in Season 2 and Derek had broken things off with Meredith to give things another go with Addison, because he felt like that was the right thing to do. However, he was in love with Meredith and she with him. It felt a lot like death, I suppose. Heartbreak is heartbreak, after all. Anyhow, they went through all of the stages of death. Denial. Grief. Etc. At one point, in my favorite episode (okay, one of my faves), IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, Meredith asks him, "How do you go on?"

I am not sure that she said it quite like that because I don't have the clip. But I know that he said, "You just have to wait for it to pass." She just did that nod thing and went on her way. I guess she knew she would be waiting a long time. And he stood there and watched her walk away. The look on his face indicated he knew he would also be waiting a long time.

Addison walks up to him and says, "What are you doing?"

He responds, "Waiting for it to pass."

And I share this with you because I am waiting for it to pass. In my next post I will tell you about my most recent dream that I had about my dad. It was cool and it freaked me out all at the same time. That is a new one for me.

P IS FOR POOL

2011-08-10T22:49:00.007-04:00

Given the time of year, I would like to say that this post is going to be all about this kind of pool:

image found here

However, that is not the case. You have to watch this clip from one of my all-time favorite movies (and musicals) to get where this post is going. It is from THE MUSIC MAN starring Robert Preston. I cannot tell you how many times I have watched it, though not recently. Anyway, this is one of my favorite scenes for oh so many reasons.

Oh, we got trouble right here in River City, with a capital T, that rhymes with P, and stands for Pool. Masstyria. Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground.

And my personal favorite is at the very beginning: River City isn't in any trouble. Well, then we have to create some.

And so it goes.

I have had several conversations on a variety of topics in recent days that all lead back to the same thing. People create trouble to get what they want. You can have a perfectly wonderful system in place and someone will come along and abuse it. Why? Because they can. Because they are manipulative, lazy, scheming, etc. There are a whole host of reasons.

The thing is this: you cannot change it. For instance, there will always be people trying to get Social Security Disability who can work. There will be people who get Disability who couldn't work, but then can work, but choose not to go back to work. Or they go back to work under the table and continue to get the Disability money while working. If you allow your brain to dwell on these things, you stay fixed in the land of negativity. That is not a good place to live.

One of my Facebook friends, who I don't really know, posted something in her status the other day about appreciation. She said that the more she appreciates each thing in her life, the more things there are to appreciate. That was a bit of a jolt for me. I knew that already, but I wasn't doing it. I wasn't feeling appreciative. I was still feeling mostly pissed that my dad didn't live the 6-9 months that they gave him. He only stuck around for three. I wanted more time and I wasn't appreciating the fact that he left me so soon. In fact, I was still pretty upset about it. We are having thunderstorms almost every day and that gives me killer migraines. Not appreciating that so much. My cycle has been coming every two weeks since February. Really not appreciating that. My hormonal imbalance is tipped all the way over. Can we say that the migraines are just killing me? So, yeah, my appreciation levels have been LOW.

However, when I read that status, I remembered that negative builds on negative and positive builds on positive. I can keep my focus on everything I just wrote that I am really not happy about, or I can find one thing each day that pleases me, and think on that. And think on it and think on it and think on it. And if that is the only thing I have, I stick with it. Maybe it is just listening to songs that make me happy. Or watching MY NAME IS EARL because it makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Or playing with my dog. Or reading a good book. Honestly, it doesn't matter what it is so long as it is positive.

Remember, my friends, listen to me, because I pass this way but once!

Pastel in a Brilliant Life

2011-08-08T14:48:00.006-04:00

This has been the strangest time. Seriously. My creativity has been in the crapper. My hormones are raging out of control and so are my migraines. So I basically feel lousy all of the time. I remember reading years ago in my book on severe adrenal fatigue that all it takes is a major crisis to knock you right on your butt and completely drain your reserves. For someone who has no reserves, that really messes you up. It helps you discover problems you didn't know you had. Like you needed that, right?

Anyway, you probably noticed my lack of blogging, reading, and commenting. My focus is still lousy. I have considered posting one of those "I'm taking a break" blogs, but that feels like quitting and I don't want to do that just yet. Matter of fact, I almost had a Thursday post a couple of weeks ago. I had several things jotted down, but it just never came to fruition. This is what I mean about my inability to focus.

I have also started writing a book about my health experience, which includes my dad's adrenal breakdown when I was a kid, and might end up including other people's health issues if I was really involved in them. The book is all about how I fell through the floor (lost everything) and is written from the perspective of a regular person. Not a medical journal. Not a doctor. I am not out to sell anything, tell you one way is better than another, etc. This is just my story and my goal is to share it and possibly help someone else from falling through the floor. My secondary goal is to use it to launch my Forging Hope Project. Yeah, it all circles back to being an instrument to help other people. The mission is to assist other people in their journey from illness to wellness.

In other news, I got a military ID card. My stepdad is retired military and we jumped through those hoops to prove that my medical problems today date back to before I was 21 y/o. Yeah, that was fun. While I was in Ohio dealing with my dad while he was still alive I was also calling all of my former doctors digging up any and all paperwork from my childhood. Anyway, we found some. On this one application with symptoms it said in my own hand (I was 13): headaches, nausea, aching in bones and muscles. That was a bit of a shock to read. Anyway, we gave it all to my current doctor to read over. She then submitted a letter to state that she believed that the roots of my current problems began in youth. It was clear that it did. She did. So, after the military sent back the letter saying that it needed to be rewritten in their format (and it was), I was quickly approved.

This means that I cancelled my old insurance (which sucked). I am now on Tricare and am part of my parents' plan. My Rxs are cheap. Yay. I am on a copay system. I can actually get testing and stuff done. Anything done at the base hospital will be free (I think) or very inexpensive. In other words, I can actually get some forward momentum on getting some of my health issues solved. This is such a blessing.

I am now in the third phase of SSD approval. This is when I am most likely to get approved. For my area, we are looking at about 10 months before it comes before the judge. That is how slowly the system is working. Some places it is as long as three years. So, I will keep my tongue in my mouth and not complain. When you win, they backpay you in one lump sum. The irony will be if they take so long that I will be able to work by the time they get to my case. That, of course, will be thanks to the military insurance assistance. I will have financially broken my parents since 2006 and I will just be getting well by the time my case comes up. lol.

I am not sure what I think about that.

I have been watching MY NAME IS EARL on DVD. It is hilarious. It is about this bad dude who wins a scratch off lottery ticket and immediately gets hit by a car. In the hospital he sees Carson Daly on TV talking karma. He says that he thinks he has this good life because he believes if you do good things, good things come back to you. Well, that is when Earl make his list of every bad thing he has ever done. He is certain karma is out to get him. He has to fix things or karma is going to kill him. While he is doing the first good thing, he finds his winning scratch off. The rest of the show is him doing the things on his list. H-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s.

That cracks me up.

I try to laugh a little every day.

I guess that is all I have for now. Oh... I did get an IPod at long last. Love it. Still not real sure what I am doing. It has face chat on it. But I have no idea how to work it and don't know anyone else who has face chat. Now *that* is funny.

I hope that you have found something here to entertain, inform, or in some other way enlighten you. I do try to please.

image found at www.heartit.com

DON'T POINT THOSE BULLETS AT ME

2011-07-17T18:55:00.006-04:00

Here's the deal:

I have written numerous blogs in my head, but none have actually made it onto the computer.
Yeah. That is extremely lame.
What is even worse is that I actually have stuff to write about and am just not writing.
On top of that, the stuff is now soooo much that I am saying things like, "I can't write a catch up blog now because it would be too long."
And then I follow that one up in my head with, "Who really cares anyway?"
You have maybe six people on here who actually read your posts.
Besides that, you have been absolutely awful about reading all of your friends' posts.
Your concentration is keeping pace with a flea.
And when you do read a post you sit and stare at the computer trying to come up with a comment. Usually you give up because all you can think of is something like, "Great post."
And that is like giving no comment at all. Egads.
For the most part, I have spent the better part of my waking time on Facebook doing stuff that requires as little thinking as possible.
That is the God's honest truth. You did get the part about having the attention span of a flea, right? Facebook is perfect for that.
However, there has been other stuff going on.
I can't recall if I told you that I was dreaming about my dad just about every night up until about ten days ago.
Oddly enough, most of the time, I had no memory recall of what we were doing in the dream. Sometimes, I did. Mostly not.
The first time I did remember him in my dream, it was a bunch of friends of mine and my dad. My dad was in the middle of two of my friends backup singing and doing dance steps like the Supremes. That couldn't have been more unlike my dad.
I laughed so hard when I woke up. That told me he was willing to do anything to get into my dreams!
When I was in elementary school , we lived in what we called the boondocks. It was a very undeveloped area of Florida that still had a lot of woods and snakes and even gators in certain places. Anyway, we had a tiger cat that I named Rowr. Unfortunately, Rowr ate one too many geckos and lost his hearing.
A gecko's tail is poisonous, but Rowr didn't make that association. Anyway, my parents figured out that Rowr was deaf, but didn't tell my brother and I, and one day we left the back gate open and Rowr got out.
I remember walking the block calling his name for days. I was devastated. I loved that cat.
Mom and Dad didn't have the heart to tell me or my brother that he probably got out the gate and was fairly helpless prey out in the woods being deaf.
About two weeks ago, I am lying in bed one morning wide awake, but not ready to get up. I feel something jump on the bed. My bedroom door is closed and the dogs are not allowed in the bedrooms. Besides, it is too light to be any of our dogs.
I open my eyes and nothing is there. I close them and it starts pouncing all over my legs. I open them and it stops. I close them to slits and it goes crazy bouncing all over my bed. All around my legs, up around my head, over my stomach, etc. Then it is gone. I think it is over.
Not. I feel a hard landing. Clearly it jumped from the floor back onto the bed. And the play resumes. I can tell it is a cat by the weight of it. Finally it has enough and jumps off.
I jump out of bed and go tell my mom.
We throw around theories and I tell her that I think Dad sent Rowr down so that I would know that he is okay. All cats go to heaven.
Two days later, I am lying in bed awake and I get another cat visitation.
I kid you not.
This time I talk to it through slitted eyes. Every time I fully open my eyes it stops playing. It is like it is playing hide and go seek or something. Moving on...
I call it by name (Rowr) and thank it for coming to play with me and let me know it is okay. Then I thank my dad for sending Rowr down for a visit. It is a relief to know that he is with dad in heaven.
Since then, no more morning cat visitations.
However, my dad's mom (Nanny) came to call and she came in a BIG way. Her signature sign is her perfume and she about knocked me out.
I was playing around on Facebook. I did mention that I have been doing that, right?
And she BLASTED me with her perfume. In the past, she has come by softer. This time she wanted my FULL attention and she got it. Actually, I think she wanted me to know on previous visits that she was okay and watching over me.
This time, I think she was letting me know that I wasn't going to be hearing from dad for a while, but she was with him and he was okay. She had him and all was well. And I told her out loud that I got the message.
And then when I got my head screwed on straight, I started screaming for my mom to come to my room RIGHT NOW. She did (griping that she was in the middle of something).
I said, "Stop. Can you smell that?"
She backed up. She got this look on her face and went "Woah. Nanny's perfume."
So, since dad has died, he has visited, Nanny has visited, and my cat that died in the 70s has visited.
Makes you wonder who will be next...
I actually have more to report, but I will save it for my next post. This is long enough already. I am afraid I lost some of you back on bullet point #5.

It is what you do at that crucial moment.

2011-06-23T16:29:00.006-04:00

I checked my email today and JJ asked me when I was going to be ready to blog again. He was looking for a specific date. I know that he meant regularly. I used to be a daily blogger. I am not there yet. I don't when I will be. However, I will try to be better than I have been. I don't think not blogging is doing me any favors, so I will just commit to trying to being better than I have been.

Emptynester commented on my last post with a question about my migraines. Yes, I do have them all of the time. I have had this migraine since 2003. Every day. The only thing that varies is the level of severity. Sometimes it is really terrible. I call those bonecrushing. That is my own term. Other times it is more of a nuisance. I don't even take anything for it. It still wears on me just because it is chronic. It is like being tapped all of the time in the head with a tiny little hammer on those days. It doesn't really hurt. It is just annoying to the nth degree. Sadly, I haven't experienced a migraine like that in a long time. It has been all pain, all the time since my dad was diagnosed in February. Simply brutal.

I also get them behind my right eye. One of my friends who also get migraines says that if you stick a finger up each nostril far enough and press, you will find a spot that is very painful, but it will knock out that ocular part of the migraine. Well... in desperation I tried this little trick. My nostrils aren't wide enough to accommodate my fingers. I could just barely touch the painful area she was referring to, but she was right, because it did hurt. I could just barely reach the place inside my nostril that I was supposed to press together firmly. Just touching the periphery on both sides was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of actually being able to reach the area and smashing it together. I think I might have passed out. This stuff just isn't for sissies. Let me tell ya.

I did see the Green Lantern in 3D with a friend of mine. Not being a big comic book reader (sorry Phoenix, I hope you didn't hurt yourself), I really wasn't prepared for the awesomeness of this superhero. Our Green Lantern is only one of many Green Lanterns. They each have a grid in the solar system to protect. They get a ring and a lantern. They are chosen because they are fearless. That is one concept that gets worked over pretty good in the movie. Actually fear gets discussed quite a bit, but I don't want to ruin it for you. However, one thing our hero doesn't really get is that Green Lanterns aren't chosen because they are fearless. They are chosen because of their courage. No one is fearless. Everyone has fear. It is what you have at your core. It is what you do at that crucial moment. That is what counts. That is courage. It is the ability to overcome fear and do what needs to be done.

The other thing that I liked best about the Green Lantern is what fuels the Green Lantern's power. It is the will of the people. In other words, the Green Lantern might wear the ring, but he is only as strong as the will of the people. We are what make the Green Lantern strong. And all of the other living beings in the Universe fuel all of the Green Lanterns. The other superpower that Green Lantern has is to create any object simply by thinking of it. If he can think it, it will appear. It is through his sheer will. This is how he fights evil.

What a fantastic object lesson. It is through sheer will that you fight evil. Everyone is afraid, but digging deep and finding courage, you find yourself. If you think it, it will appear. If you focus on it, it will become reality.

You may be asking yourself right now why I am not focusing all of that amazing energy on ridding myself of my migraines. Excellent question, Holmes. I can't focus. Believe me, I have tried. That is the trap of chronic pain. I have tried. The key to achieving vibration with something and bringing it into your life is to be able to maintain focus on what you want (and not what you don't want). And when you have bonecrushing migraines you just can't keep your focus off of them. At least, I can't. And that, my friend, keeps them in your reality even though you don't want them. I need to break the pain cycle long enough to keep my attention off of them, so that they are out of my reality. Once that happens, well then we are off to the races. I know what needs to be done. And I think *pretty soon* we are going to get there.

I think I will start focusing on that reality. I will let you know how it works out.

In other news... I am dreaming about my dad nearly every night. I can't remember any of the dreams. Or just fragments. I am sure he just wants me to know he is okay. And just once, about a week ago, he dropped in on me. We prearranged before he died that he would let me know he was around by "perfuming" the air with apple cider vinegar. I was sitting here at the computer and I got a big whiff of apple cider vinegar out of nowhere. It didn't last long. However, I know that he is letting me know he is fine. Of course, I always knew that. I just miss him.

image by www.weheartit.com

O is for Over and Over Again.

2011-06-14T11:25:00.010-04:00

When I start to think about writing a post, I say to myself, "Well, not much has happened and so much has happened." Crazy right? Both are true.

In some ways, not that much has happened. In other ways, it feels like I can't keep up.

Ah, those crazy migraines are still whomping me and good.
In great part, they account for the feeling that nothing has happened.
To those of you who don't live with chronic pain, this is just going to sound like whining and I apologize ahead of time. I have had this migraine since 2003. It is like getting on a bike and thinking you're going somewhere and arriving at the same damn place over and over. It is beyond frustrating, beyond annoying, beyond anything. And migraines hurt. They aren't headaches. No no no no no no no.
A hundred years ago doctors were using drills and drilling into people's heads and the patients were begging them to do it. No one does that for a headache.
Yeah, most of them died from that procedure. They call it practicing medicine for a reason.
So, when I get on my kick about axes and all that junk, it is because my head is freaking killing me. Nuff said.
Funny thing about it. Telling you how much it hurts, doesn't make it hurt less. So, moving on....
My sister-in-law's mother died last Thursday at 1:30am.
Yeah, it was shocking.
I wasn't completely unpacked from going up for my dad's funeral.
Mom and I had every intention of going up for her funeral, but this was so soon that we weren't recovered from the trip we just made.
Had we known, we would have just stayed up there.
The funeral was yesterday.
I sent her a condolence text message.
That way she knows I care, but I am not interrupting anything going on in terms of the business of the day. In other words, yesterday was all about her.
In other news, I went out to lunch and for some belated Christmas, birthday, and Mother's Day shopping with my ex and H-Girl. At the end of that, we had to run by his apartment and order something I wanted off of Amazon.com because we couldn't find it in the stores.
His roommate was there and ended up leaving with us because they were going to do something after he dropped me at home. On the car ride, they got to talking about Michael J. Fox.
They both are big fans of MJF. A list came out of MJF's best roles due to his 50the birthday. I stayed out of that conversation. I am not familiar enough with every single role he has ever been in to make an informed comment.
Then they got to talking about how great he looks for being 50. Now, that is something I can weigh in on. Unfortunately, I think he would look a lot better if the Parkinson's wasn't eating him up and I said so.
Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut.
His roommate told me that MJF looked better at 50 with Parkinsons than I do RIGHT NOW.
Shut my back door.
I told him that he was full of crap without actually saying he was full of crap, but pretty much saying he was full of crap. H-Girl was in the car.
My ex thought that was hilarious.
I watched The Social Network last night. At the start of the movie, this girl pointed out to the guy who was going to be the start-up guy for facebook, "You can tell yourself that girls don't like you because you're a nerd, but I'm here to tell you that the reason that girls don't like you is because you're an asshole."
My ex and his friend are like two peas in a pod. Nuff said.

It's All A Brain Game.

2011-06-07T15:59:00.008-04:00

Mrs. B featured my blog on her blog. She is participating in a hop. I don't have the energy for a hop. In fact, I think I need to go back to the bullet point style. I can feel my brain about to go into the crazy loop.

Whew, such a relief. I can now just fritter around like a hamster on a wheel and it is totally cool.
Sadly, I feel a lot like a hamster on a wheel.
Running and getting nowhere.
Well, I did go the library, pharmacy, and grocery store today.
Sadly, the pharmacy said that there was an hour wait on Rxs, so I just left. I could have cried or something, but I had nothing left. So I left.
I think I have two more pills left so it isn't a total emergency. Yet.
I actually did go on youtube for a few minutes and look up some Ellie footage. Why don't we have a looksee? Roll that footage, blogmeister:

If you click the bottom right it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size.
If you didn't understand why I love Ellie so much before, I bet you have a better handle on it now. She totally goes to battle for the people she loves. I am down with that.
I have been distracting myself with facebook and this game on there called Gardens of Time. I like it because it is a memory game. It is kind of like Where's Waldo. You have to memorize the scene and you play it over and over.
Why is this important? With my chronic fatigue and migraines, my memory is terrible. It is actually stretching and working my memory muscle.
Before all this went down with my dad, I started doing beginners yoga.
I am a very odd case. Even though I have fibromyalgia (which means aching joints and muscles), I was super flexible as a child. So, I am still more flexible than average as an adult.
So, I have a high flexibility, even though everything hurts like crazy. So, I can do yoga. It just hurts. And, I don't do some of the postures very well (aka downward dog).
My doctor says just to do the best I can without straining.
Right now, I am not doing at all.
I am mentally trying to get there again.
It is all a brain game folks. That was something that I already knew, but reading Chris's blog, A Deliberate Life, reinforced.
Do you feel like I have I haven't really said anything? Me too.
There are a few ideas that swirling around in my head. Mom and I listened to a portion of a book on CD on the drive. One of those ideas was "there is no stopping an idea whose time has come."
I think about that a lot with regard to my Big Idea. I have an idea for a non-profit that I have shared on here. If you want to know more click on My Idea in the sidebar.
He also talks about Inspiration. Inspiration coming from God. And when you are in tune with your Inspiration that is when Action happens. Things just start rolling out. There is no stopping an idea whose time has come.
And then I think about that pastor who said that I was blessed by God.
And hearing a voice telling me that this is what I was supposed to be doing.
I know that I need to get past all of this grieving so that I can get inspired, so that I can get well, so that I can get into alignment with my idea.
Because there is no stopping an idea whose time has come.

Keeping Up With Bullets (Bang)

2011-06-05T16:10:00.007-04:00

You may or may not have noticed my lack of posting. This whole burying my dad thing has my head spinning. Kinda sorta literally. And my migraines are through the roof. And I am back to wanting to use the "F" word all of the time. I'm not. But I want to. Really really bad. And I think I am going to use the bullet post format because my head is all over the place and that way I don't have to make any sense. And that is going to be important I think.

So, yesterday at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my Rxs, I turned the corner, and I ran smack into the card section. It was all Father's Day cards. I couldn't help it. I stopped cold and stared at them for a few seconds and then kept on walking. I teared up, but didn't cry. I consider this progress.
I am crying now. So maybe not so much.
My migraines have been kickass ever since my dad died. I really think I might rip my head off of my shoulders with my bare hands. Has this ever been done?
The day of the funeral I caved and took hydrocodone. My head was KILLING ME. It didn't touch it. I mean not at all.
The worst part was that I had to act like I felt fine. Meet and greet and thank people for coming. Several of dad's high school classmates came. That was very cool.
Last night at karaoke several of the people from my mom's church said something first thing about my dad and how sorry they were. So, I know that the word was out about what happened. Mom missed church two Sundays in a row because of being in Ohio for the funeral.
However, this one guy came in and was talking to her about having to put his cat down last night and how sad it was. She was sitting next to me and he kept going on about it. Then he pulled out his camera phone and showed pictures of the cat to both of us. All the while, my mom had to keep saying how sorry she was about his cat. However, he said not one word about how sorry he was that my father just died.
My sister-in-law says that I think everything is all about me. I say this now because this story is possibly one more example that might be true.
Am I one of those people who thinks that everything is all about them?
For the record, I do feel sorry for this guy over the loss of his cat. I know that losing a pet is painful. I would have been somewhat more sensitive to it had he shown any sensitivity to me over the loss over losing my parent. Just sayin'.
You might be wondering how I know my sister-in-law thinks the above. She told me at the gathering after the funeral. I'd had a couple of beers. You know, I was mixing it with my hydrocodone to try and get some relief for my miserable migraine. Anyway, she was talking with someone that I had been talking with earlier and I walked up and I thought they were talking about the same thing we were talking about before.
I was wrong. And that something was related to me.
And she informed me that not everything is about me, contrary to what I believe.
At which point, I decided to be Ellie from Cougar Town. You can consult previous clips I have posted to get a better grip on the Ellie personality.
In this case, I placed my elbow on the table with my back to her facing the other person and resumed conversation with HIM, totally ignoring her. I figure two people can be rude just as easily as one.
She then says, "So when are you and your mom going back to Georgia?"
I then step back from the table and say, "Okay, I'm back in." As in, if we are talking about me, I am once again interested.
I don't recall if I answered the question or not because it was unimportant.
I really think my life would be a sitcom if I lived anywhere near my brother and sister-in-law. Or a tragedy. Not sure which.
I gave the minister who did the service for my dad the letters that I posted here. I also ended up telling him (in brief) about my Big Idea. After the service he leaned over and hugged me and told me I was blessed by God.
On the one hand it kind of freaked me out. But then again, I got the idea from a voice that I think was God. That would probably freak him out. So, maybe being told by a minister that you are blessed by God is really fantastic.
For the record, I did ask him about it (because of my degree of being freaked out) and he said that after listening to my idea he prayed about it. And he knew I was blessed by God.
Take from that what you will.
I didn't tell my sister-in-law about that. I already think everything is all about me. That would have sent her to to the freaking moon.
Maybe I should change the name of my blog. What do you think? I could call it IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME. Seriously, I do need to change it. There has been nothing daily about the dose.
Did I tell you that when my dad died all of the lines went out of his face? He died at 78 and had not even one wrinkle. Complete peace.
One last thing about my sister-in-law: I have decided that she doesn't particularly dislike me. She just has a lot on her plate and it is overflowing. Her filter is gone. Her mom's cancer is back and she is now in the same situation as my dad. Her own dad is very difficult to live with and makes her life hard. That will get worse now that her mom's cancer is back. Her mother is the only thing anchoring her dad to reality. So, pray for her. A person can only handle so much stress and this has already been a terrible year. It is only going to get worse.

A Time For Dying.

2011-05-22T22:09:00.004-04:00

Hello friends. My dad passed away Friday morning at 6:20am. My mom and I got into town Thursday evening about 9:30, but we decided to wait until the next day to see him because he was having a pretty good day on Thursday. At first, I was just wrecked that I missed my chance to see him one last time. And then I reminded myself that I deliberately had made a decision not to see him like this... that I wanted my memories of him alive to be of him in March. He knew we were coming and I think he chose to go. He took that choice out of my hands. Dad always knew my heart.

We did go see him shortly after he passed and he died so peacefully. His hands were crossed over his stomach and he was clearly asleep. His soul leaving his body wiped every single line from his face; it became as smooth as a newborn baby (albeit a bit rough). I made note to self: make sure someone continues to moisturize my face when I am old and dying so that my skin is soft when I go.

We talked about dad's favorite things, and one of those was casinos. He moved out to Vegas for a while he liked them so much. So, we woke up very early this morning and drove for a couple of hours to go to Cincinnati and the casino Hollywood. We had a great time and I felt my dad's energy every time I hit it. I had a really good day. I think he was pulling some strings for me from high places:-) Normally, I would call him after some of those wins. In this case, I just talked to him right there at the machine. It is nice to know you can do that.

Tomorrow we meet with the funeral director to discuss the details. The funeral will be Wednesday. Because he is a veteran, he will get a military funeral with the 21 gun salute and the flag, etc. I know that I will cry through the whole thing. I cry through those when I don't even know the person, so this will be a gusher.

Thank you all for the support. I don't have easy access to internet here, so I apologize if your comment doesn't show up right away. I will get it and I do appreciate it. I love all of your feedback. Especially now. Thank you for continuing to show up.

Letters to Dad: How You Affirm Me

2011-05-18T17:05:00.002-04:00

Dear Dad,

Whenever I wonder about the potency that my words have as a parent with C-Man and H-Girl, I think about the fact that when they were entrusted into my care, I found myself saying the EXACT same things to them that you and mom said to me. I am also keenly aware of the value of words that affirm a person. I vividly remember when we borrowed Uncle W's van to move my stuff out of my NYC apartment. You guys had me drive since I was more familiar with the city. All that really meant was that I knew how crazy NYC drivers were and my nerves were absolutely frayed at the thought of driving in that madness. But, I agreed. We found ourselves on a one-way street with cars parked along both sides of the street. This was not at all uncommon. Parking is terrible in the city. However, we reached a place where two very wide vehicles were parked right across from one another and it was a tight fit. I took one look at that and thought "Trouble."

However, you said, "You can do it, Rob." The thing was that you meant it. While my mind was replaying all of the times that I stalled out that Subaru stick shift the first time I tried to drive it, you were convinced I could pull this miracle off. So, I took a deep breath, sent up a prayer, and slowly pushed on through. No one was more surprised than I when we made it through, and there were no sounds of metal on metal or a bumper falling off. And then you said, "Yay! You did it! I knew you could." Boy, you were the only one, but that sure felt good. You knew I could.

I think that is how the impossible gets done. Someone says, "You can do it." And that person might not believe it, but they try. And because of someone else's belief in their ability, they succeed. We all need cheerleaders. People who believe we can exceed our own expectations. That is how we become great. Outstanding. Better than we ever thought we could be.

So, you have taught me two things. Not to give up. Keep striving for outstanding. And always, when given an opening, let someone else know that they can do it. They have the potential to be amazing. And when they exceed what they thought they could do, say, "Well, of course you could do it. I knew you could." And if they ask me how I knew, I will tell them my dad told me a long time ago.

I love you.

~Robin

image found at www.weheartit.com

Letters to Dad: Love Languages

2011-05-17T18:01:00.003-04:00

Dad,

Several years ago I read a wonderful book called The Five Love Languages. I was trying to understand why my relationships weren't working out. I wasn't yet ready to admit to the obvious (I had chosen terrible partners), but I did learn something unique and wonderful from this book. People understand love like they do language and if you aren't speaking their language, they do not feel loved. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Most people have a primary love language and, possibly, a secondary love language. It is only when people "speak" their language do they feel loved. Of course, they tend to show their love in the language that they understand.

I don't know if acts of service is the language that I understand, or the one that you understand, but it is the one that I would say we both understand. When I was overwhelmed with doing dishes, it was always you who walked into the kitchen and silently picked up the drying towel and set to work in order to make my job go faster. During the summer, I eagerly anticipated you coming home for lunch, so that you would make grilled cheese sandwiches. When I was learning to drive, you were the one riding shotgun, because it was too much of a strain on mom's nerves. I don't know how many times we made that circuit around the church parking lot. During my college years, I know that you worried about the maintenance on my car, and I always had you down to the filling station putting air in my tires each time I came home. You even made me a list of which gas stations had "good" gas. I still don't know the determining factor, but I only bought from your list. I kept it in the glove compartment. I thought of it as a Love List. My dad didn't want me buying bad gas.

It's unfortunate that you couldn't have made me lists to save me from every bump that comes down the road of life. I know that you would have had you been able. As it is, I wish that I could make a quick pop back in time and grab that gas station list out of that old car. I really miss that list.

~Robin

image found at www.weheartit.com

Letters to Dad: When I Was Young

2011-05-16T17:23:00.005-04:00

Dad,

When we were discussing memories of my childhood, I know that what you remember most when I was a kid my gymnastics. I was always cartwheeling, backbending, or forward walkovering down the hallway. I remember that, too. However, I also remember having really cold feet and curling up in your lap, sliding them under your legs, and settling in for warmth. I know that they were like ice blocks, but you never once complained. I felt very safe in that lap.

Do you remember that couch with that hidden leg in the middle? It was covered by the material swag (or whatever that is called of the couch). I constantly stubbed my toes on that thing, because I ran around without shoes. That experience was followed by me saying nasty things to the couch. Whenever you heard that, you would say something like, "You really shouldn't talk to the couch that way. It isn't the couch's fault." Ooooh. I would get so mad. Isn't the truth a terrible thing to have to deal with sometimes? Of course if wasn't the fault of the couch. However, that only left me being angry with myself and that didn't feel so good! I love how you took those little opportunities and used them for teaching moments. I have tried to do that with C-Man and H-Girl. It always amazes me when I saw the fruits of my efforts.

One of your great strengths was patience with people. I think back to how easily you dealt with Grandpa. He was such a difficult person. I think maybe you were used to dealing with difficult people. People who sucked all of the air out of the room. People who were used to being the sun and the rest of the people were planets who revolved around them.

I know that Nanny was likely one such person for you. By the time I knew her she had slowed down considerably, but I can imagine that in her day, she was the sun. In one of the last conversations that she and I had, in Athens, she told me that your dad was the only man she ever truly loved. I know that is tough to wrap your head around. It only goes to show how complicated love and people are. And it is a well-known fact to everyone, but you, that you were her favorite child. I tell you this for a couple of reasons. I am not sure that you really knew that your mother loved you. She did. So much so that she created a real problem with her daughter who was always trying to measure up. Families are so dysfunctional. And then your sister did the same thing with her kids. She favored her son over her daughter.

I know that you say that you and Nanny "made up," but I am not sure that you ever allowed yourself to fully love her because you felt betrayed by her. She did love you. So you can let that you go, before you go, if you haven't already. If you have, and you know that she loved you unconditionally, well this is just reinforcement.

I just heard something the other day that I will share with you. I have no doubt that I will get the opportunity to use it in my life since I heard it! If you are given the choice in a relationship to be right or be loved, it feels so much better to be loved. That isn't to say you shouldn't stand up for what is right. But you just don't have to be right all of the time. Sometimes that need to be right pushes people away. I tell you this so that you know that I am still growing. Still learning. And I know that I am not right all of the time. I just want people to feel loved. I love you dad. I will miss your wisdom.

But, most of all I will miss the man who would let me climb in his lap and warm my cold feet. You don't get many of those.

Love,
Robin

image found at www.weheartit.com

Blindsided.

2011-05-15T17:08:00.008-04:00

I knew someone who used to talk about rollercoasters in terms of stress. When it is really bad it is sort of like this: you are stuck in a rollercoaster park. All of the coasters are unlabeled. You must choose one. So, you get the stress of the choosing, the stress while you wait in line, and then the stress during the ride, and then you get to do it all again. Of course, everyone likes and dislikes different coasters. Give me the smooth ones with lots of up and down and tight curves. The wooden coasters and the ones that go upside down are the ones that alternately make me feel like I need a chiropractic readjustment or just downright sick to my stomach.

Yeah, this post is about my dad. I spoke to him just about a week ago and he was doing well. In fact, he was doing about the same as when he was initially diagnosed. He was still getting up daily and his pain meds hadn't increased at all. In other words, his routine was pretty much the same as right after his initial diagnosis. On Thursday of this past week all of that changed. Bam. No longer did he feel capable of getting out of bed, and he isn't able to eat or drink much of anything. That has affected his ability to speak. His need for pain meds also changed. He went from doing very well to looking like he has a life expectancy of about two weeks.

There are no words to truly express how shocked I am. He was using an alternative treatment that I think might have worked had he found it six months to a year ago. However, I was beginning to hope that it was going to work ~ even now ~ since he wasn't getting worse. You see, I was beginning to disbelieve the original diagnosis. I thought my dad was going to be the person to beat stage 4 cancer.

And then today arrived. My brother called and told me how bad it was and that my dad was not going to beat stage 4 cancer. My dad possibly would not live to see the month of June. Wow.

Hope is the best and the worst thing in the world.

I had to go lie down because it gave me in instant migraine. I know I jumped right in line for the roller coaster. I remember the people in my dream, but I don't know any of them. I just remember my parting shot at all of them being, before I woke up, "I don't have time for your crap and your drama. My dad is dying of cancer." I was literally crying when I came out of that sleep.

I pondered the what to do for a while. Talking on the phone is never good. He can't understand me and now it hurts him to talk. I considered going back up there, but I don't want to remember him like this. That decision was reinforced when I did talk to him today. It greatly upset him when I cried on the phone. He wants me to be okay with his dying. And I will be... eventually. But, I am not sure that it will be in less than a month. I don't want to make his passing worse. This cannot be all about me.

So, I suggested to my brother that I write my dad an email every day and he read it to him. I have decided that it is unimportant if dad remembers our history or not. I remember it. I want him to feel the love in it. And if it jogs his memory, that is wonderful. If it doesn't, than I will be remembering for both of us. It is the last gift I can give him before he goes.

I am thinking that I will post them here. You can read them or not. I will call them Letters To Dad and then give them a subtitle. If that is your thing, read away. If not, come back when it is over. Either way, I understand.

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY

2011-05-13T16:04:00.007-04:00

SURPRISE. I know, I can hardly believe it myself. I began thinking about this post a week and a half ago. Yeah, I just don't move like I used to.... Anyway, I started writing ideas down as they hit me for this post and I finally pulled *this* together. Since it didn't even land on Thursday, I think we can all safely assume I am not quite ready to make this a weekly event just quite yet. However, I am moving in that direction. I really have missed the Thursday posts more than I can tell you.

If you are wondering what I am blathering on about, let me catch you up to speed. Drum roll please. I present to you HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY. With love.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. (It used to be a weekly event. And I hope it will be a weekly event again soon:-) The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for That one girl at What Was I Saying Again:

This one is for Phoenix at Res ipsa loquitur:

This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:

This one is for Yvonne at Writing My Life Away!:

This one is for Yenta Mary the Food Floozie:

image found at www.weheartit.com

More Important To Be Right Or Be Loved?

2011-05-09T20:37:00.005-04:00

I am always amused and awed when I get an email from one of asking if I am okay. It makes me realize that I haven't blogged in a week or so and you are wondering if I have kicked the bucket. Blogging friends truly are wonderful. My regular friends can go months and not think anything of it. Kind of a sad commentary, no?

I think I mentioned that my mom has been watching the Oprah Network. Well, she has sucked me in, too. I like "the story behind the story" and I like shows that are digging for personal truth. Sort of like what I try to do here. If you are having difficulty in your life or your relationships, work it out. A show that is now ending on OWN is The Judds. Apparently Naomi and Wynona have had a volatile relationship forever. There are so many reasons for it and they get into all of them. I try to imagine being a teenager and having my mother for a mom and a boss. So not cool. That made the transition from mother-daughter to mother-friend an unnatural one. They love each other like crazy BUT...

I think about how hard it would be to work that out on television. On the other hand, if no one worked out their issues publicly, other people wouldn't have the opportunity to learn. If Chris didn't write her weight loss/life blog, no one else would have all that great information. If Phoenix didn't write her love each better blog, I wouldn't stop and think I could be doing that better. If Shoes didn't write his crazy ass blog, I wouldn't laugh every day. If JJ didn't write his philosophical stuff, what would I think about? If Lira didn't post her struggling actress tips for others, they wouldn't have that foundation. [I could go on and on about all of your great blogs but my hands would lock into position over this keyboard. ALL of you are amazing.] This is what we do for one another. We live our lives out loud for ourselves and other people. Some do it in writing and others on TV.

I have learned so many things watching Naomi and Wynona interact. First of all, people often are the most cruel to the people that they love most. Second, if there were a device to take words back, everyone would buy one. Third, revelation is a slow process. I think it is because you have to understand yourself before you can understand another. Think on that for a while. Yikes. Fourth, it is essential to speak your truth. Until you do that, you do not feel free. You are shackled by silence that eats your soul. It is only in speaking your truth at all times that you can remain free. That doesn't mean shouting it with the most pain and bitterness you can throw, but speaking it gently with the solidness of its truth. That is all.

Last night, Wynona said how important it was to her to be right. All of these years it has been so important to be right. She never saw before that if there were a choice between being right and being loved, being loved was so much better.

The answer here is not to cave in to everyone else on everything just so that you are loved and they feel good about themselves. That just makes you a doormat and you lose your truth (#4). However, everyone deserves to be heard and both can be right from their viewpoint. Acknowledging another person's rightness is okay, too. It is saying I hear and love you. And that is where Naomi and Wynona arrived. Some people never get there. One person is right and another is wrong. There cannot be two right viewpoints on the same situation that are different!

Look at what that little bit of learning did for their relationship. Now they can apply that to all of their relationships. Everyone who watched that show can start processing that in their relationships. Powerful stuff.

I called the kids on Saturday just to talk to them. I had been trying to get hold of H-Girl all week. I had talked to C-Man last weekend. My ex called me yesterday to wish me Happy Mother's Day. He told me that the kids said we'd talked the day before AND that they'd said they'd wished me HMDay then. I corrected him by telling him that I had called them, but nothing had been said about Mother's Day. After we hung up, H-Girl's cell rang. It was C-Man calling to wish me HMDay. He was rushed b.c. it was close to their bedtime. I thanked him and told him to go on and get ready for bed. I asked about his sister. She came to the phone, but she was clearly ticked off by her tone of voice. I asked her how she was, etc. I could tell that she was not going to say HMDay, so I just told her good night and she said good-bye. And that was that.

I sent my ex an email asking him not to do that in the future. The kids are old enough to know the holidays. If they want to call, they will. If they don't, they won't. But forced expressions of love are not love. And I am hoping that H-Girl unwittingly employed tactic number one on me. People are often the most cruel to the people they love the most.

N is for Not Afraid

2011-04-26T19:17:00.011-04:00

A friend of mine emailed me with some comments on the last blog. She indicated, once again, that I am much funnier in bullet points than I am in paragraphs. I think it is because I have a sarcastic personality and you can't really get a good jab in with a paragraph format. It is only in bullet points can you sink one. I am a real fun one at parties, too. Nothing out of me and then *BAM* I nail the sarcastic jolt when least expected. Of course, my friend had a few other comments. I think I shall address those and anything else that comes to mind in bullet points, since I am insanely funnier that way.

She says that I shouldn't have laughed at H-Girl when she said she was "all about the learning." That sort of behavior on my part is likely just to make the kid angry at me.
I say that the kid needs someone to call her out on her crap. She needs to know that she isn't snowing me like she is other people. Kids don't respect people they think they are manipulating. I want her to know that I have her number. 'Nuff said.
My friend also indicated that blogger had this nifty bullet point program. Peeps, I am utterly lost on a computer. Hand to God.
My mother used to tell me daily when I was a kid that I would lose my head if it weren't attached to my shoulders.
What does this have to do with anything?
Well, I know that there are some of you who think I should just learn how to do the design on my website. You are thinking, "It can't be that hard."
I thought like that, too, for about three hours after I bought the domain name and my web hosting site. Into the fourth hour, I very nearly chucked my laptop out the window.
Eventually I called the 24-hour 800 number help line to get them to put up a page indicating my site was under construction because I could not figure out how to write that on a BLANK PAGE and put that up.
Yes, it is that bad. And that is where the head and shoulders business figures in.
I tell you that and I share you this thing about the bullet points for this reason: I have been on blogger for over a year and didn't know that in the menu bar that it would create bullet points for me.
Right now I am looking at the quotations and I can't figure out by sheer reasoning what that will do if i click on it. Clearly it will do something regarding quotations, but what? what? what?
It should be obvious, but it isn't.
It's hard to believe right now that I graduated with a liberal arts degree from college, isn't it?
I know. I am having trouble digesting it, too.
On Saturday night, we went to the pizza place for food and karaoke.
Our usual karaoke guy wasn't there because his band was playing somewhere so some friends of his were filling in. This was a new experience for us.
Not so much for them. They have their own business and their own equipment.
Once again, too many kids were singing for our taste. Pretty much any kids are too many because most can't sing. They scream or talk into the microphone and it is monotone.
However, the kicker this past Saturday was that there were only 8 people on the sheet to sing, but the teenagers took over every time it came to them. How did they do this? They sang solo, they sang duets, they sang trios.
Three girls managed to hog the microphone for forty minutes every time the rotation got back to them.
So, we we were there for three hours and sang three times. You do the math on that one. Eight people. Three hours. Everyone should have gotten to sing a lot.
We almost didn't sing that third time because my mom was tired of listening to teenagers and kids scream into the microphone. The lady came around with the sheet to get our song to speed up the process, and my mom asked how far out we were. Turns out two kids were ahead of us, one of whom was singing.
At that point, I was in favor of waiting and singing. We were there for three hours and had only been able to sing twice. Mom was ready to go, and said something about there being too many kids.
I knew that was a pointless drum to beat. When you go to karaoke at a restaurant, there will be kids.
The lady said if you want no kids you should go to a place that is over 21, and she was right.
I said that the real problem was letting small groups of people monopolize the microphone. It was not right. It would be like me singing, my mom singing, me and my mom singing, my mom and another friend singing, the other friend singing, me and the other friend singing, me, mom and the other friend singing. We could tie up the works for forty minutes just like you have let those girls do all night, but we haven't.
She didn't like what I said, but she admitted that it was a mistake and wouldn't be happening again.
Now, would it not be happening again because I said something, or would it not be happening again, period?
I got a nasty comment from the guy running the machine about being impatient to sing when he called me up.
That tells me that even though the woman was very gracious to me, and admitted that I was right, she didn't relay it back that way to her partner.
Most people just leave and don't come back if they don't like something. My mom said that if she finds out that our regular karaoke guy isn't going to be there, we will rethink going there in the future. And that was after I said something.
People don't like confrontation. I didn't like it when I was married. My ex made it so uncomfortable that I eventually stopped speaking out about what I did and didn't like. What is and isn't acceptable.
I am not doing that anymore. It is unacceptable to hog the microphone at a karaoke joint. I will tell you nicely. You can make one jab at me, but not two. And if it keeps happening I won't come back.
I guarantee you this: for every one person who tells how it is, there are twenty who are thinking it and just not coming back. Be grateful for that person who speaks out.
And if you are someone who is afraid to speak out, try it. It feels so good. It if is your truth, then it isn't wrong to say it. It is never wrong to speak honestly and from your heart.
Trust me on this: the worst thing in the world is losing the ability to speak your own truth.
The first Marshall Mathers song I listened to was Not Afraid. It was what hooked me on Eminem. The song is about not being afraid to do what you need to do, speak your truth, be yourself.
Before you say that you hate rap or hip hop, know what you are talking about. I thought that I hated it, too. I hated it BEFORE I listened to it. It is dangerous to make those kind of calls. And it is also dangerous to hate an entire genre of music, because you never know when a specific piece of music will jump out and hit you where you live. Just sayin'.
My mom has been watching OWN (the Oprah Winfrey Network) and loving it. Apparently, there was something on there about the new Oreo cookie. It is a regular Oreo covered in chocolate.
I couldn't quite follow if it was on one of the shows or if it was a commercial... Anyway, the entire family sans the mom are sitting around the table eating these cookies and talking in Martian about them. (In other words, my mom had no idea what they were saying.)
Then the mom came in and she tried one and my mom tried repeating what she said. She kept at it until I figured it out. That was when I realized that the kids and hubs are talking in modern day slang. I hated to break the news to mom that the family were not taken over by aliens.
What was the giveaway phrase, you ask?
Shut the back door!

photo found at www.weheartit.com

Wednesday with Bullets

2011-04-20T19:09:00.006-04:00

I was going to do another alphabet post, but you guys seem to like my bullet post style posts, what I have is mostly mish mash, so it seemed like a better way to go.

*For instance, right now I think Penny Can on Cougar Town is hilarious.
*You don't watch Cougar Town?
*How can this be?
*Oh yeah, you're Chris, and don't own a TV.
*Well, let me help you with some YouTube of Penny Can. This stuff cracks me up. It would be on my Thursday post, if I could work up the fortitude to roll one of those out.
*Roll the penny can footage:

*I love Ellie. She is the one that makes all of the crazy penny can shots. She is da bomb. I want to be Ellie when I grow up.
*H-Girl spent the night last week. It had its good and bad points. It scares me how much she has learned from her father. And I am not talking about the good stuff.
*She basically tricked me into taking her into the mall.
*Yes, I was tricked by a twelve year old.
*Yes, it still stings a bit.
*After she lingered over all of the things she wanted me to buy her... even after I told her before we left the house that I had NO money, we finally ended up at the bookstore.
*We spent over an hour mooning over jewelry. She was hoping I would cave. She never once asked, but she just looked pitiful. And once pointed out the matching necklace (the she didn't have)to the bracelet that she did (and was wearing).
*All of this after raiding my jewelry box at home and getting me to cough up several pieces of jewelry for her... moving on...
*So, after giving up on the jewelry at the mall, we arrive at the bookstore. That place is my personal weakness. I can turn down clothes all day long. Put me in a bookstore and that is like shoving an alcoholic into a bar.
*Naturally, we end up back in the YA section. She starts picking up various books and telling me that specific friends are reading this one and that one. She would like to read this one and that one. Then she says this: "Because I am all about the learning."
*I laughed so hard I nearly fell down and hurt myself.
*She followed it up with, "What? I LIKE to read."
*That only produced more laughter on my part. I started looking around for a chair because I had a kink in my side and it hurt.
*When I was able to speak again, I told her that she should call her dad and tell him just what she told me. I was willing to float her $15 if he would pay me back right away.
*He said he would. He also got a laugh out of that. Unlike me, he seemed to believe her line about being all about the learning.
*I find that interesting. One would think that a person who floats BS all of the time would recognize it in others more quickly. Apparently not. Who knew?
*Back to the trick... she told me that her aunt was going to meet us at the mall. Not true. Not even close. She just wanted to go to the mall and talk me into buying her stuff. Imagine my surprise when I find out that I end up having to take her all the way back to her grandparent's house. It didn't cut my driving at all. That is where her aunt was.
*So, I had H-Girl regale them with the tale of being all about the learning. They all laughed. Apparently, they were all shocked. Her older brother said he was going to read the book and quiz her to make sure she actually read it. Smart kid.
*That one day knocked me out in so many ways. Sooooo tired physically.
*So tired mentally. It really hurts me in the heart that H-Girl does these sorts of things. Her lack of honesty and the way she manipulates people without a second thought really disturbs me.
*As for me, I have been dreaming about sweets. Craving sweets terribly. I know what this means. I am stressed out. Severely stressed out.
*I bought two bags of M&Ms the last time I was at the pharmacy. It did occur to me that my Eminem fascination went from the person to the candy. H-Girl might not be the only "disturbed" individual out there...
*If you received the letter for my future non-profit website via email, please answer me this: did you copy/paste and send it to everyone in your address book, specific people in your address book, or no one in your address book? Whatever your choice, why? You can tell me in the comments or email me. My email is in the sidebar. Thanks.
*I really don't have much dirt. I am thinking about practicing Penny Can. Chris, can I call that exercise? It looks like so much fun to say "Penny Can" when you actually get the penny in the can.
*I really could have been a writer for Seinfeld. It was a show about nothing. I have got an excellent handle on that.

The Pieces of Me

2011-04-12T21:58:00.007-04:00

This is just a quick heads up that I am not dead. Also, I do plan to return to blogland. I just need to get my head together first. Everything still feels somewhat staticy up there. I did make the decision to get busier with my email campaign for my non-profit. So, I started going through my friends on facebook and writing down email addresses. I got tired about the time I hit the "Bs." That might not sound like a lot, but I have quite a few friends. I even went so far as to send out the email. And I sent to everyone already on the list.

Chris, over at A Deliberate Life, talks all of the time about how much of this living this is a head game. If you are not reading her blog, I have to tell you that you are missing out. But, there are some people who always miss out. Heck, I know that there are some really awesome blogs being posted right now that I am missing out on. I may backdoor into them someday... lol. I digress. Anyway, you can only do what you can do, but you probably can do more than you think you can. Or maybe you need to push yourself into doing more than you think you can. Or if you can do anything at all, do something important. I am not really sure what I am saying here, but I just decided that my time out of bed today was going to be spent writing down email addresses and sending out the email for my non-profit. And if I only could do it for 30 minutes, 40 minutes, one hour. Whatever. It was all better than nothing. It's a head game. And I need to get back in it if I want to win it.

Yeah, this whole thing with my dad had knocked me right on my ass. I am not going to lie to you and tell you different. It has. Just writing that sentence made my eyes fill up. I think about him all the time and I cry. I keep thinking about that line from Grey's Anatomy when George's dad died from cancer and he says, "I just can't imagine a world without my dad in it." I may not have gotten that quote exactly right, but it is close enough. I keep telling myself how lucky I am... how I had my dad in my life longer than SO many people. That I had a dad who loved me and I knew it, etc. But, here's the thing: this is one of those landmark times of your life. From this point forward, it will be events that happened before my dad died and after my dad died. Sort of like BC and AD on the Christian calendar. I am not suggesting that my father was the Messiah for those of who going into shock. I am just saying that this is one of those HUGE events in my life that changes everything. Before college. After college. Before I was married. While I was married. After I got divorced. Before my dad died. After my dad died.

I might be closing in on someone to design my webpage. Yay. I keep throwing out that net. I figure eventually something is going to come back.

My crush on Marshall Mathers is still alive and well. That really isn't pertinent to anything. However, I thought someone might want to know.

I reconnected with my best friend from college, Jennifer, after not speaking since 1999. Turns out that there were some misunderstandings there and we aired out a lot of stuff. It felt really good. Tracy is so right about pushing love toward a situation. That always makes it better. I think that maybe we are going to be okay. I realize that I have slowly, but surely, been pulling my friendship family back together. They are still scattered all over the globe. However, I am reconnecting with my family of choice. It has been ongoing process over the last year or so. It feels really good.

I know that I have been a really lousy blog reading friend. I am still reading your posts catch as catch can. I have been a terrible commenter (that translates into not commenting at all). However, I am working my way back into a place of being able to read your posts with a joyful heart. Not quite there yet. When I get there, my regular Thursday posts will come back online.

Don't give up on me. I am putting the pieces of me back together.

M is for Memories

2011-04-03T22:18:00.012-04:00

*I read over my last blog and decided to tackle just one topic. All of you said to go and just spend quality time with my dad. Focus on the good stuff, i.e reminiscing over the good times. I was set because I had a plan. I got thrown for a loop when I saw my dad for the first time. He looked really sick. Grey. Thin. Frail. However, I bulked up my internal reserves and pushed through. I don't think I have shared this, but I have my father stuck in my brain at 45 years old. I know that it is unreasonable, so it is always a shock when I see him and he doesn't look 45. Since I am in my early 40s, this is particularly unrealistic, but I can't help it. Each time I see him, I go running to the mirror, because he is OLD, and that means that I am OLD, and it makes me look for signs of aging anywhere and everywhere. Eyes, eyebrows, frown lines, hair. Yeah, I am a girl. This time I got sucker punched and couldn't make the trip to the bathroom. I had to sit down. Anyway, I made it out to see dad every day but one. *It quickly became frustrating for both of us. The thing is that I don't think my father suffers from senile dementia. I don't think that that his memory issues are a result of the cancer. I think that adrenal episode that he went through back in 1978 did a lot of damage. He didn't get migraines. His symptoms are different than mine. But the whole thing is otherwise the same. Except for this: he was in a chronically stressful situation at work that finally brought him to his knees. It took him about a year to get over it by living in a non-stressful environment and taking a boatload of vitamins. I lived in a stressful situation for three years (clearly I have a harder head and didn't really understand what I was doing to my body and my recovery time) and five years later my adrenal gland is still barely hanging on. *Fast forward for my dad: that one year plus the year or so of chronic stress has wiped about forty years of his memories. How do I know this? Because all of this reminiscing that I was looking forward to in order to get me through this enormous heartbreak was denied me. Instead it became an exercise in frustration and irritation. I would say something like, "Dad, do you remember the time I learned to drive the stick shift car and I kept stalling it out in the driveway? It was hilarious. Even the neighbors came outside to watch the show." And he would say, "No. I don't remember that." And I would say, "You were the only one brave enough to come outside and get in the car with me. That was until I shook up your insides sufficiently that you couldn't stand it anymore. Remember now?" He now gets agitated. "No. Don't remember that. I drop it. So, I would pick up another one. And it was always the same. No. Don't remember. No. Don't remember. Finally, I asked him what he remembered. It was precious little. Not enough to converse about. *However, he seemed to remember a lot about his childhood. Well, that was a good thing because I had a bunch of old photo albums from his apartment that needed labeling. Well, that got old REAL fast. It didn't take long at all. He always recognized his father and brother and my Uncle Jerry. After a while, I got good at recognizing them, too. I was more interested in his grandfather, grandmother, uncles, and aunts. He didn't do so well there. And after about a day he was tired of that. Unfortunately there were three boxes of pictures. So, what I hoped would lead to lots of stories of his childhood was just another annoying project. He was frustrated because there were people he felt like he should know. And then there were people that when I found his dad's obit that he didn't know at all (like an uncle), he was super annoyed. Mostly it was really hard to know that my father forgot just about all of my childhood and young adulthood. *That being said, he remember just about every episode of the Dukes of Hazard. So, we watched TV. And then it occurred to me that was what we did most of my childhood. All of the vacations that I tried to get him to remember, the activities I was involved in, etc. Well, they just didn't take up the same amount of time as the time spent in front of the TV. My dad loves me. With his whole heart. I know that. And I love him. With my whole heart. But he will never really know me. And I will never really know him. He spent his whole life keeping the world at bay and he succeeded. *There is a lesson here. And I don't think we have to look too hard to find it. *If you are a friend of mine, keep telling me about our shared memories. *I don't want to forget you or what we have. This blog is becoming more and more important by the day. I don't want to forget my life. Even if I have to read it like I am reading about someone else. I figure the only plus side is that all of those people that make you have to scrape out your brain because they end up doing something mean in the present, and you can't quite shake them because you have ties to them. Well, you might forget them entirely. There is always a silver lining. I have been listening to the ACM Awards on and off. I did catch Sara Evans and her new song. I kinda think that it might be off of the Country Strong soundtrack. Don't quote me on that. I am going to look for a video. That song was pretty awesome and hits the spot for Inspirational Music Sunday. Maybe by next weekend, I will have the MTV part rolling, too.

L is for Losing Focus

2011-03-25T20:25:00.005-04:00

I really didn't want to write anything today. I am having focus problems. Dear friends, I love reading your blogs. I truly do. In fact, many a day I enjoy reading your blogs more than I like writing my own. Some days I just read your blogs and I don't write one of my own. This is all pre-cancer news. Since finding out about my dad and his terminal diagnosis, I just can't focus. Period. I tell myself that writing a blog will be good for me. In fact, that is what I am telling myself right now. I told myself that reading your blogs would be good for me, but I couldn't focus in order to actually accomplish the task. Do I want to know what you're doing? Yes. Am I interested? Yes. Why can't I focus? I have no idea.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my dad? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about what happened with my sister-in-law? Yes and no. Mostly no right now.

Do I want to blog about the meeting with an old friend from school? Yes. But, I can't really focus. It's a good story and I want to get it right.

Do I want to blog about the doctor appt my dad had with the surgeon who removed his colon and hooked him to the colostomy bag? And then what he said to me? Yes and no. Mostly no right now. Some doctors deserve to be smacked. He needs a good smacking. And he isn't going on my list of doctors when my website goes up. Just sayin'.

Do I want to blog about how great Hospice is? Yes and no? Mostly yes. But not right now. It makes me sad. And happy. Happy sad.

I did think of Phoenix's blog on pushing more love toward situations that you can't control. If you have tried everything else, try pushing more love toward it. I even did that. It helped and then it didn't. And then I decided to focus on what mattered. Now, the old me who could focus better would find that blog and link up to it. Why? Because it was an awesome blog that she probably wrote about eight months ago and I still remember it. A blog has to be pretty darn awesome to stick in my brain for that long. Would I like to write more about the details of this? Yes and no.

Why? Because Chris over at A Deliberate Life just wrote a blog a few days ago on Letting Go of Resentment. I didn't comment on that blog. Why? Because I couldn't focus. However, it really hit home for me. Sometimes people are who they are. I pretty much had that one figured out before I left Ohio, but reading that blog was kind of the last straw, so to speak. It helped me just to let it all go. You aren't going to change people. Not everyone is going to like you. You can be as nice to them as you know how to be. You can be yourself (how can you be anyone else?). And if they still just don't like you, they don't like you. All you can do is continue to be kind to them and treat them as nicely as you know how. That is it. Keep pushing love toward them. And if they still don't like you, well that is on them. But, let it go. You aren't going to win them all and that is that.

The last thing I can think of right now is that my neighbor suggested that I write (as in email) my congressman and then follow it up with a phone call about Social Security denying my SSDI claim. She said she worked some government agency back in the day (Medicaid maybe) and it really got the ball rolling for someone if a Congressman took an interest. Anyway, she said that because they denied my claim based on four doctors (it was supposed to be 2 of mine and 2 of theirs), but one of the doctors was someone I had never seen, I had reason to involve my Congressman. I also had reason to involve my Congressman because my representative in this case said "This kind of thing happens all the time." They were jaded by the system and how it wasn't working and not willing to fight. Their answer was an appeal, which we would have done anyway. So, blog friends, in your opinion do you think that writing and calling your local Congressman is the way to go here to speed up this process? I am interested in your thoughts...

Okay, I promise to try and be a better blog friend, and get my stuff together, so that I can put coherent thoughts together, so that I can actually read your posts. As it is, I read a little here and a little there. But, I mostly don't feel able to comment. It is very sad. I never really thought the day would come when this girl would be at a loss for words. (silently shaking head now in disbelief) So, I will work on my focus issues and hope that you bear with me while I sort it all out.

image found at www.weheartit.com

I am back but look a lot like roadkill.

2011-03-23T19:35:00.003-04:00

This is going to be another short one (I think). I am back home, but very tired. So much happened in the two weeks that I was gone. I suppose that the best thing was that I came to a place of acceptance about my dad and his cancer. It is still really hard for me to imagine this world without him in it, but we all leave this body sometime. And that is one true thing. For everyone.

I will post more details as I get them sorted out in my head. I also have some pictures that I will post. Though I have to say that it hurts my heart a bit to look at them. My dad was 6 feet tall. He says that he has lost a couple of inches. Despite that loss, 130 pounds just doesn't look good on him. He is sitting in the recliner and it just swallows him right up. With that weight loss, he looks my nanny (his mother), which is something I never saw before. She was always very thin and angular. Of course, he was always on the thin side. Now he is on the gaunt side and the resemblance is a bit uncanny. Or not. She was his mother, after all.

We also visited (briefly) our next door neighbors while I was growing up. I have dreamt recently frequently of my old house. The Miranda Lambert song, The House That Built Me, will often make me cry. I even considered knocking on their door and breaking song acapella. Yeah, kinda desperate, but I haven't been inside since my parents moved out while I was in college. When we drove by my jaw dropped. They resided the house. It isn't blue anymore. It is this awful beige color. It doesn't even look like our house. They tore down the barn that was in the back and built a blue monstrousity. These are the same people who bought the place from my folks. Not much turnover in that neighborhood. Anyway, they aren't very well liked according to my old neighbors. Given that info, I decided against the song. That and I might cry at the interior changes they've made. That wouldn't have been pretty. Given my stress levels already, more stress didn't seem to be the right call. However, we had a lovely visit with my former neighbor and her daughter just happened to be there with her husband and kids. I hadn't seen her in years. Excellent chance to catch up.

Anyway, I will give you more details next blog. And I will start reading tomorrow. Yah, that means no Thursday event again this week. However, things should be on track for next week. I have appreciated all of your support throughout this difficult time. You all are awesome.

HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY

2011-03-04T20:28:00.004-05:00

Thursday is normally the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. However, it is arriving a day late. I hope that it is just as exciting on Friday. So, drum roll please. I present to you HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY. With love.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for JJ The Disconnected Writer:

This one is for Martha at A Real (Upstate) NY Housewife:

This one is for Mitzi at Daily Reflection (this is for anyone who thinks your fantastic new do makes you look old; you can send them this link...lol):

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:

This one is for Phoenix at Res Ipsa Loquitur:

image found at www.weheartit.com

Take a quick trip with me.

2011-03-03T20:52:00.004-05:00

On the Crazy Train. I haven't forgotten about the Thursday post. It is just pushed to Friday. How shocking! Anyway, look for it tomorrow (sometime). My mom and I are planning on driving to Ohio on Sunday for the trip to see my dad, so there is a LOT going on here right now. However, I am trying to maintain some degree of normalcy. We will be there two weeks. That might mean that I miss my regular posting for the next two weeks. In fact, it is very likely. However, I know that you will understand. When I get back things will return, more or less, to business as usual. Thanks for your lovely comments and encouragement. Also, those prayers and well wishes mean tons. So, too much is never actually too much. Did that make sense? My brain is not working so great these days. Anyway, I am hoping that sorts itself out, too. Thanks again. You fine people are amazing!

This might not look like grief. It is.

2011-02-27T21:44:00.005-05:00

There are certain truths that are becoming self evident to me. We know things theoretically, but we don't really know them until they happen to us. So, there is knowing and there is knowing. For instance, we all know that everyone dies eventually. All of my grandparents have passed. They all lived lived into their 80s. I wish that I could say that they all lived with their minds and bodies intact, but that would not be true. Funny how you often get one or the other, but not both. That was not a ha ha funny, btw. I even had a great grandparent live until I was in my 20s. By the time that each of them went, it was a blessing. They all had senile dementia and didn't know what was what. That is no way to live and I could tell it was frightening not knowing who anyone in their world was. They felt alone and frightened. Every now and then they got a good day and recognized family when they saw you. They might not be able to place exactly who you were in the scheme of things, but they knew you on some level. Those days were rare. When someone passes after years of that, we call it a blessing because it is a blessing for everyone. It has been painful all the way around.

On my dad's side, my aunt died of colon cancer that spread through her body and she was in a lot of pain. Her passing was a blessing simply because it was such a painful way to go. My father's mother had some senile dementia going on and her cancer, by the time they caught it was all through her body. However, they think it started in her colon. Yeah, I think I probably said this before.

For those of you who have been reading this here blog for a while might remember how shocked I was that my dad's memory has shorted out on him so much. This was a discovery that was made in April or so of last year when we went on a family vacation. We were telling stories and such, and my dad just didn't remember stuff. Huge chunks of his memory were just gone. It seemed to be completely random. Other stuff totally intact. If you want to picture his brain like a computer, just imagine a whole bunch of wires pulled out. Those wires represent memories. And they seemed to be pulled out at random. No rhyme. No reason. And no real way for anyone to know what he remembered and what he didn't. For instance, it never occurred to me that he forgot that his sister and mother died of colon cancer, and that he needed to be on top of that. Or that my brother wasn't aware of it and not paying better attention as the person who lives closest to my dad.

Anyway, let's get on with what is. The biopsy came back Stage 4. I think they cat scanned him to determine how far the cancer had spread. Though it could have been an MRI or PET scan. I am really not sure what scanning system they used. His gastric area is laden with cancer. It is all through his colon, into his intestines, and liver. There was a spot on his lung that might or might not be cancer. In any event, with Stage 4 cancer that has spread as much as his spread, they are giving him 4-9 months. It is amazing how great Medicare is when they know that they only have to take care of you for a limited time. They really monkey up everything and are happy to do so. Care with a smile.

Fortunately my brother and sister-in-law just redid their downstairs in anticipation of taking care of her parents. My brother went out Tuesday night to get my dad his hospital bed and table. Thank you Medicare. Hospice has a nurse who will come out twice a week to check on him and make sure he doing well. Help him with anything he needs and make sure he is getting the right amount of pain meds. In a terminal patient they do not worry about addiction. It all about making sure that the patient does not suffer. Hospice also will have an aide come out two days a week. I think that person is there primarily to help him with his hygienic needs. Showering. Shaving. Changing the sheets on his bed. That sort of thing. I will know more once it all gets into a groove. The doctor may come out periodically to check on him, too. The team meets once a month to discuss all of their patients in hospice care, so I imagine everyone tries to be "in the loop."

In about a week, my father will have the better, "permanent," colostomy bag that is easy to replace the bag and has snaps. Right now, it is the biggest thorn in his side. They have to use adhesive tape to keep it in place and it doesn't always hold real well. Blah blah blah. The other problem is that my dad feels gassy whenever he stands up. I think it might be because he has a tumor pressing on a nerve in his colon. They didn't remove any of the tumors and some were fairly sizable. So, every time he stands he feels the need to go to the bathroom, but he can't. It is an uncomfortable pressure. However, in terms of his pain, my brother says he is doing really well. Surprisingly well.

The other thing is that apparently this has been a problem for a long time. Every time he stood up, he felt this pressure, so he walked hunched over, etc. Anyway, he has pretty well lost all of his muscle tone and is down to 135 pounds. He is 6 feet tall. Yeah, everyone in our family is freaking wasting away! My brother is down to 150 and is just as tall as my dad. Of course, the difference is that he is working a manual labor job right now and he is solid muscle. I swear that he has the fastest metabolism in the world! *sigh*

Anyway, I talked to my brother about the best way to manage a visit and suggested that we stay in dad's apartment since he had a full house. He was going to let the apartment go at the end of this month, but was more than willing to pay one more month rent if we came up in March. His house is full to the brim! So, that is what we are doing. I moved all of my doctor's appts to this week. He went over and cleaned up over there this weekend. He is going to get a friend to help him move the "stinky" stuff out before we get there. And mom and I bringing up one inflatable bed to sleep on. She left another inflatable bed at my brother's for when she visits and he will bring that over. So we will each have our own bed and room. We will probably stay for two week or so.

And I am hoping that my brother and my dad talk again about the C-Staten vitamin therapy. One of the things that I hate the most about this whole thing is being so FAR from the situation. I feel like I have to input on anything. No control over anything. It is very frustrating. Perhaps most frustrating of all is that I would like to stay longer than two weeks, and I think that my brother and sister-in-law would be happier if I stayed a week. I could be wrong about that. However, it isn't up to them. Chances are reasonable that this is the last time I will see my dad alive, and I think that if I want to stay right up until March 31, they should encourage me to do so. If the roles were reversed, I would do that for them. But, hey, that's just me.

HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY

2011-02-25T19:40:00.001-05:00

Well, I found a way to get this blog out. My mom's computer is still working in the compose mode. I didn't even try to move to the edit mode. So, I was able to copy my links. I had a good idea, but I forgot it. Does that ever happen to you? I am hoping that I remember it again and post it for someone on next week's post. Yeah, I figure that it will be okay. "Whoever" will cut me some slack because I am just living in outer space and all. Anyway, Thursday is normally the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. However, due to technical difficulties, it is arriving a day late. I hope that it is just as exciting on Friday. So, drum roll please. I present to you HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY. With love.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:

This one is for Martha at A Real (Upstate) New York Housewife:

Click here to watch.

This one is for Carol the Gardener:

This one is for Nicole at Destination Unknown:

This one is for That One Girl at What Was I Saying Again?:

image found at www.weheartit.com

Here is a small scoop.

2011-02-25T00:03:00.009-05:00

I have been working for hours trying to put up a Thursday post and it is just not happening. It has been one computer malfunction after another. I finally uploaded the newest version on Internet Explorer because it kept crashing on me when I would switch over from the Edit to Compose mode on here. That did resolve that problem. However, now I can't do anything in the Compose mode. So frustrating. For instance, I can't even get my mouse to highlight any portion of text for any reason. It is midnight and now it is Friday. Technically Friday. I am exhausted in every possible way that a person can be tired. I will get that post out tomorrow. Sometime this weekend I will update you on my dad. And OH YEAH there is lots to tell there. Hence, the overwhelming exhaustion. All of your comments have been so loving and from the heart. Really can't tell you how much kind words mean. Kindness is the one thing we can offer in the face of devastation and loss. Actually, so many times it is the only thing we can offer. You guys have it in abundance. Thank you for showering it on me. I have felt it and appreciated every word. Truly.

Well, I never could get the PUBLISH button to actually publish last night. And I finally gave up. Today, I decided to try and actually finish the "real" post on my step-dad's computer. His computer won't transition between the edit and compose without shutting down, either. Egads. However, I bet this post will publish. I am not giving up. I have a Thursday post and I will find a way to finish it and get it published. I am hoping it is today.

Have you ever noticed that it is feast or famine? When it rains, it pours? That sometimes your life really is a country song? I hear David Allan Coe callng my name....

Cancer is a Thief.

2011-02-22T13:50:00.005-05:00

This is going to be short because I don't have the strength to make it long.

My aunt died from colon cancer. I am pretty sure that my paternal grandmother's cancer started in her colon and spread from there. So, when I found out that my father voluntarily admitted himself to the hospital for gastro-intestinal issues, my red flags were up. He was supposed to have a colonoscopy a few months ago that went awry because that stuff that you drink kept him on the toilet for days. He literally couldn't make his appointment because he had the runs for days. No, he didn't reschedule. Sigh.

So, I made sure to relay all of this to my brother who lives close by so that they could get a handle on this, because I wanted to make sure that they checked his colon out thoroughly while he was there. Turns out that thoroughly wasn't even necessary. In order, to get him "unclogged" they had to do a coloscopy (or something like that) and, in short order, found a very large mass. It was the source of the problem. They sent a portion of it in for biopsy, drained the rest, and hooked him to the bag. You know the bag? The one that saves you those trips to the bathroom.

While we were all hoping for a benign result, apparently the doctor took one look at that mass and knew it was NOT benign. My brother called last night confirming that it is cancer. They have yet to get a stage number on it, but they are talking hospice care vs. let's beat this cancer by doing this, this, and this. So, I am preparing myself for a 4 and anything else will be a blessing. They are also using words like "make him comfortable." Oh, and the bag isn't coming off. For my father, that is reason alone to depart this earth. I have no doubt that once you can't do your business on your own, the "game" is pretty much over. All that is left is wrapping up your business and saying your good-byes.

And, so here we are again, back to the lies we tell ourselves. In this case, it is the lie about time. We seem to think that there is a surplus of time. There will always be more time. Or that we know everyone dies, including our parents, we just don't want it to be today. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Next month. Next year. Truth be told, no one wants anyone else to die before them because the worst thing is the being left behind. Can't we just all go together? No, of course not. And we don't really want that either. Can't we just all die by going to sleep and never waking up? Lovely thought. No. The clock seems to have run out when I wasn't looking. Or is winding down.

My father was not a perfect man. However, when I was going the marriage from hell I found out that a lot of people just really didn't have enough love in their hearts for me or my situation. Two people who did ~ unwaveringly ~ were my parents. Unconditional love. That is what parents do. Love is a verb. I know that when my father dies his spirit will live on, but that support he gives me here in the present when I need it now. Not many people love you unconditionally, in my experience, and my heart is breaking for the loss of this one who has been a rock for me.

WANTED GLORY PRAYER A NICE DAY

2011-02-20T20:18:00.008-05:00

It is Sunday. Yep. That revelation became clear mid-afternoon today. Time is really having its way with me. If time were code for Really.Hot.Man that would be fabulous. Instead, it is more like code for Really.Sucky.Migraines. Gahhhh. Both involve inordinate amounts of time in bed. The migraine just means I am there by myself listening to my head pound. The other alternative would be much more fun. I think that I really shouldn't spend so much time dwelling on the other alternative. So, let's move on.

For those of who read my last post... you know that my dad checked himself into the hospital. Turns out that he did have a mass in his colon. They removed a portion of it to be biopsied. We have not yet gotten the results. So, will let you know something when there is something to know. As my brother pointed out, he and I are different people. I tend to worry about things ahead of time. He waits for there to be something to actually worry about. Of course, that worked to my advantage in places like, say school. I actually got my papers and things done, thoroughly researched, and on time. He didn't always get them done. Period. So, therein lies the difference. The idea of just not doing a paper... Even now, I just can't fathom it. Yeah, he and I are totally different people. Hence, there is the worrier with the migraines and the non-worrier who is very healthy. Case A and Case B. Something to ponder later. After those test results come in.

In the meantime, we have some 80s songs picks and an Inspirational song pick. Wow. It feels like FOREVER since this blog has blasted back into the past to hash and rehash what was burning up MTV. One point that I have to keep picking up and putting down (for those of you who weren't there or who have forgotten) is just how important being pretty was in the 80s. That went for the girls and the boys. Mostly for the boys. Seriously. Pretty boys were the rage in the 80s. Long hair. Big hair was in (for everyone) and eyeliner looked good on everyone (apparently), because everyone was wearing it! The 80s was the decade that men rocked it out looking a bit la femme. They got to swing that long hair around and the teenage girls swooned.

Especially for Jon Bon Jovi. They really swooned for Jon Bon Jovi. And he was totally swoon-worthy. And his band wasn't too bad either. But, Jon was The Deal. Women all over The USA cried when he got married. Seriously, it was on the news. There were reports of teenage girls locking themselves in their rooms and having a day-long cry. Refusing to come out. Yeah, it was the hormones. And they probably grew up to be certifiable. But still. He was H*O*T and he still is. 20 years later and he still stops traffic. That is saying something. Mick Jagger stops traffic, too. But, it is because he is so scary looking. He has been rode hard and put up wet way too many times. Not knocking The Rolling Stones. That particular stone has just rolled way too many times. Just sayin'. And he was never a looker to start.

I found the video choices for Bon Jovi to be interesting. They are almost all concert videos. You know my feelings on that. I think that when you have MTV working for you, you should work it. However, Bon Jovi kinda sorta does in their own way. Their concert vids aren't straight concert vids. They are mish mashed with their tour footage to give you a feel for what they are "really" like as people. That is not a bad idea. And they also give you a feel for what their fans are like. That is an interesting look back. I am going to post two different tacks they take. The other one is a mish mash of them "making" a video/their effects for a concert. Again, it gives you a sense of them as people.

Both of those songs came out in 1986-87. Bon Jovi was asked to do the entire soundtrack for the movie Young Guns and he accepted the project. The biggest hit from that movie was the song Blaze of Glory. Finally, a Bon Jovi video that uses footage from the movie in the video. Most big movies did this because fans loved the song, loved the video, loved the movie. It became a big circle. Each "event" helped propel the other to success. The more the people loved the video, they were likely to buy the soundtrack and watch the movie. The more they liked the movie, the more likely they were to watch out for the video on MTV. If they liked it, the more likely they were to buy the soundtrack. It was just a big old moneymaking circle.

I really loved that movie back in the day. I haven't seen it since "the day." Now, it makes me itchy to watch it again. Emilio Estevez really did pull off Billy The Kid. And I think that I saw a young Kiefer Sutherland. Man, I love me some Kiefer Sutherland. I am missing 24 like a crazy person misses whatever drugs crazy people take. The red pill. The blue pill. The yellow pill. Something tells me the crazy person doesn't care. They just say, "Give me my pills!" Yeah, like that.

You might be wondering why I am ~ once again ~ going with my Inspirational song last instead of first. Well, I am so glad you are wondering. It is because I am sticking with Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi, more or less present day. This one came out a few years ago. Really love this song. It is my "don't mess with me song." And I can't believe how great he still looks. Actually, I can. Some people just age well. Like fine wine.

So, the next time someone ticks you off, just tell them to have a nice day. Bless their heart.

The Thursday Junk and Apology.

2011-02-17T19:58:00.009-05:00

I am just going to spit this out so that I don't choke on it: I don't have a Thursday post for today. Whew. That was terrible. I have been doing some blog reading and commenting, but not enough to put together a Thursday post. *So sorry.* I have already explained that in cases like this we BLAME THE MIGRAINE. It turns out that since I have ongoing migraines, and they have been bad this week... it is completely legitimate. I have made myself write some blog posts. Kudos for me. But, mostly I have studied the inside of my eyelids and contemplated ripping off my head with my bare hands. Not doable, by the way. However, I am prepared to throw out more junk for your reading pleasure in lieu of a Thursday post. Yeah, the storm doesn't stop here even while my migraines rage. So, here's the junk (in bullets, just because it is more fun):

*Flash sent me a Friend Request on Facebook.
*You don't remember him? Or you are new? He's the ex-boyfriend who cheated on me and stole my pain medication. Yeah, he's a prize. (she says with disdain)
*He also sent me a quippy email about wanting to be friends and signed off with my ex-husband's name.
*Then he LOL'd and signed his own name.
*I think he thought he was being cute.
*OMG. This "man" is in his forties but has the maturity level of someone who is ten.
*I showed it to my stepdad and he says to me, "Are you going to accept it?"
*Is hell freezing over tomorrow?
*Does everyone think I am seriously stupid???? As in permanently, irrevocably stupid? As in cannot be fixed stupid? As in a glutton for punishment stupid?
*The more I thought about Flash signing the ex's name to the email, the more I remembered the one thing that they both said to me. And that was this gem: "No one will ever love you the way that I loved you."
*Both times, I thought to myself, "Thank God. I couldn't take it again. I barely lived through it this time."
*And I know that they both thought when they said it "as much as" instead of "the way that" because they considered their love to be wonderful. They both employed the same approach.
*Let me share: while you are doing something unloving to someone, you tell them that you love them. Over and over. In fact, you tell them how wonderful they are. It validates the awful thing you are doing as you are doing it. It somehow makes it a loving thing. The idea is for you to start thinking of hurtful things as loving things. It starts out small and just gets bigger. As in more vicious.
*They were both right. "No one else will ever love me the way that they loved me." Thank God.
*I got an email from the ex-husband after the bowling party. He was concerned that I was angry with him because he made a parting comment about a goody bag when we were leaving. He suggested I take one because they contained candy and I could stand to gain some weight.
*I didn't take said goody bag, and I forgot about his comment about three seconds after it left his mouth.
*Apparently, he stewed over it a day or two before sending the email.
*I wanted to say that after all of the things he said and did during our marriage and after our divorce, that comment on the goody bag just didn't even register on my meter, which is the total truth.
*Instead, I just said I wasn't mad. Also the total truth.
*My father checked himself into the hospital this morning. He has been having gastro-intestinal issues for quite a while. They are running tests.
*My poor brother is just loaded with sick relatives. His MIL is in a nursing home. His FIL has been living with him and his wife and that has been really hard on them. He is not in the best of health and is also in the hospital right now. Apparently, his catheter became infected and they determined that he also needs a pacemaker.
*My brother is working 12 hour days at his job and is feeling really overwhelmed.
*As for me: I am just worried about my dad. I have this bad feeling I might be spending some time up north.
*Our own version of Dumb and Dumber. Sick and Sicker.
*Blah.
*I will make a better effort to get out the usual Thursday post next week. I just read this over and this is sucky in comparison.
*Oh, and one last thing about the Grammy Awards show post. Miss Angie misunderstood one of my comments. They don't base who gets the awards on who shows up. The base what awards get presented on who shows up. In other words, if someone wins, but they are a no-show, that award doesn't get presented. That is why so much of the awards show is filler (aka performances) as opposed to people actually being presented with awards.
*Okay, I think I have barfed up every thought that I have on just about everything.
*Well, not really, I have other stuff rolling around up here, but it is unrelated to everything else that I have said. I probably should save it for a future post.
*Okay, can't save this. I loved your comment, Phoenix, about I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE, PART 2. Me too. I find the whole thing very enlightening. Moving sideways... what was up with Marshall's pants at the Grammys? The man has a fine behind, but refuses to wear a pair of pants that do him justice. It is just one more thing that makes me want to cry. Seriously. Real tears.
*Marshall, I know most women are dying to rip your pants off. Honey, I just want to get you in a pair that fit.
*He and I are just about the same age, but now I sound like his mother.
*This has to be a good place to stop.
*Probably about twenty minutes ago would have been a good place to stop.
*Stopping.
*Not another word.

image found at www.weheartit.com

The Grammys and Marshall Mathers Should Have Won Best Album. Just Sayin'.

2011-02-15T19:36:00.008-05:00

Okay, I know that you have all been on pins and needles awaiting my Grammy Award breakdown. No, I didn't have a breakdown of any sort after the show. I am referring to my critique of the event. You guys are so silly. Since you seemed to like the bullet points, perhaps we shall gave that another go.

*Once again, they only presented awards to the folks who showed. That is getting annoying. That means entire categories get left out. They also just didn't present some awards to folks who did show, but announced before they performed that they had won awards. Now, that is even suckier. What awards?
*In the case of my man Marshall, they announced his two award wins before he even won the second one. Idiots. Of course, since they run that thing so crazily, and he was up for ten awards, how was he to know?
*Another clue if you are going to win: are you performing? If so, chances are good that you are a winner. Ding ding ding.
*A lovely surprise of the evening was the first announced award. Train won Pop Duo or Group for Hey Soul Sista. I love Train. I am glad to see them getting back on track. Pun totally intended.
*Miranda Lambert winning The House That Built Me didn't shock me at all after she had just performed the song. Personally, very happy to see Miranda get some Grammy love. Now, she was not favored to win in this category, but I think of the Grammys in much the same way I do the ACM awards.
*How's that, say you?
*The most unlikely people win those awards. Let's say someone has a huge year. They give the award to someone that has just popped out of the woodwork and has maybe two songs under their belt. That is just how they roll. It leaves everyone rolling their eyes and saying, "WTF" at the watercooler the next day.
*Apparently the Grammy voters lunch with the ACM voters and discuss the "proper" way to do these things.
*Batshit crazy. That's how. Moving on.
*Now, I am not saying that they always get it wrong. I am just saying that they often pull things right out of their a$$. That's all.
*For instance, Lady Antebellum picking up all of the country awards is not surprising. They are freaking awesome and deserve them. I have posted several of their songs on here. Love them. However, I have not posted Need You Now. So, here it is.

*I loved David Letterman's list of ten things. I have to agree with him on one major point. What is the difference between Best Record and Best Song? Near as I can tell, it is nothing. They are both nominations for songs. And it appeared that most of the noms were the same. In this case, Lady Antebellum won them both for the same song.
*Isn't that redundant?
*Or is it just me and David on this one?
*Lady Gaga winning best Pop Vocal Album was totally expected.
*Lady Gaga arriving in an egg was a huge surprise.
*While I will never count myself a Justin Bieber fan, I can't count myself a Justin Bieber hater either. You gotta admire someone who is willing to fight for a career as a singer at 13. Usher told him something like, "If we meet again, we'll see." And he kept coming. At 13, that would have been enough to send me home.
*I would have been crying and saying, "He wouldn't even listen to me sing." That is the difference, you see, between someone who knows that they have the magic "it" and someone who just wants to be a rockstar.
*I still want to be a rockstar, but I know I don't have the magic "it."
*Every now and then I can sing a good tune.
*Back to the awards show...
*So, anyway, this kid can actually sing. And then Will and Jada Smith's kid comes out and raps with him. And OMG, that was the cutest. He is a cute kid. But what was the cutest was the look on Will and Jada's faces. They were not celebrities. They were parents who were all about their kid.
*Priceless moment at the Grammys.
*Back to me and what I am doing while the show is on. I found this site on yahoo. It has each category with the nominees, Expert Pick, and the percentages of people who voted for each person. In other words, it should be a good indicator of how the general public feels about who should win in each category.
*Now, you see what I mean about how the head scratching over the choosing of the winners. And why it reminds me of the ACMs.
*Now, that we have talked about everything non-Marshall Mathers, let's get down to it.
*I know from having read his book that he would really like to win an award that is not specifically a rap award. He did win the video award for Without Me, but that is it.
*I really thought with 10 noms that this would be his year. He would get Album of the Year, Record of Year, or Song of the Year. Nope. Lady Antebellum snatched Record and Song and Arcade Fire grabbed Album. Frankly, I think that he should have won best Record and Best Album. I am perfectly happy letting Lady Antebellum keep Best Song.
*As I said, they are the same thing. Different voters. Dumb. Moving on...
*That it is not what happened. And it hurt. A lot. It was painful for me. I can't imagine what it was like for Marshall. It had to sting.
*With that in mind, I went through the old winners and rap just doesn't win much outside of its own category. Outkast won a couple of years ago, but that is about it.
*I am going to throw up some more live footage. One is MM performing with Rihanna and Dr. Dre. It has some breaks in it, but it is the best going on youtube. The song is Love The Way You Lie Part 2 (modified) and I Need A Doctor (modified). I am also throwing up Marshall accepting his Grammy for Best Rap album. Then I am throwing up both original songs with lyrics. They make more sense that way. You might want to watch those first and then the live performance.

image found at www.weheartit.com

Feel The Love Bullet Style

2011-02-13T18:41:00.005-05:00

Today is supposed to be Inspirational Music post Sunday. Or something like that. Honestly, with the Grammy Awards tonight, I am totally jazzed about music. However, I am exhausted and kinda migrainey. I really don't have a music post in me. So, I was thinking about a Bullet Point post instead. It might help me stay focused, since we all know I have a tendency to wander around. And you all get the junk. Good deal, right? Besides, I haven't done one of these in a while and they are fun.

*Turns out that while my ex was out of town a couple of weeks ago, the kids' bio mom sent H-Girl a text on Yahoo Instant Messenger. Apparently, H-Girl has had enough of bio-mom's not calling on birthdays, Christmas, and all that for the last ten years that one text wasn't going to be enough to mend the fence with her. And she let her have it.
*Bio-mom copied this instant message conversation and emailed it to my ex because she couldn't believe that H-Girl would actually say that she didn't want to talk to her.
*H-Girl confirmed that it was her and she didn't want to talk to her.
*Now, C-Man is bending over backwards to make up for H-Girl's lack and bio-mom is using it. Apparently, she is NOW calling C-Man all of the time hoping that this will somehow make a difference with H-Girl.
*It isn't working.
*However, H-Girl did have her belated birthday bowling party yesterday. That was interesting. When I arrived there were only two other people there. One was a cousin of H-Girl's that I knew and one was a woman and little girl that I did not.
*Turns out that the woman was someone my ex dated over the summer and is friends with his sister. Apparently, she is maintaining a relationship with the kids.
*She sure knew who I was.
*She went on and on about how she was going to pick up H-Girl after school one day so that they could have some girl time. She had called to see what she wanted and it was a comforter for her bed. Now they could get it together. Wasn't that wonderful? I wanted to puke.
*This doesn't make me a wretched person, does it?
*I tried to buy H-Girl said comforter for Christmas, but she kept spending her Christmas money on other stuff until it was all gone. Each time she bought something, I kept saying, "You won't be able to buy the comforter if you buy that." Each time she said, "But I want this MORE." And there you go.
*So, H-Girl arrives and sees the aforementioned ex-girlfriend sitting there with her toddler and walks over to her. The ex pulls H-Girl in close and tells her this plan of taking her shopping for the comforter. Her back is to me but I can see her nodding and can only assume she is happy with this gift. Again, I am feeling pukey. And somewhat guilt-ridden for feeling pukey, because this is a nice thing after all.
*Then, H-Girl turns around, sees me, and her face lights up like a Christmas tree. BEST GIFT EVER. She did not light up when seeing Miss Comforter Giver. Score One for Mom. Finally.
*H-Girl runs over and actually gives me HUGE hug.
*C-Man waves from the counter area and says, "Hi Mommy." Okay, this was less than stellar, but you can't win them all.
*I did mention to the ex that perhaps now that H-Girl was releasing all of her vindictiveness on to bio mom she might actually be nicer to all of the other women in her life who love her.
*Ex said he never thought of that.
*Hmmmmm.
*I had lovely conversations with the ex's aunt and his father. His dad is a really nice man. He actually is a supervisor at the water department (maintenance) and when I sold maintenance stuff I worked with some of the foreman who worked for him. So, I have known him for quite a while. Like I said, super guy.
*H-Girl won her bowling game.
*The ex won his.
*C-Man came in second place on his team.
*And I got H-Girl a book that is the second in a series. I got her the first one for Christmas.
*People, she was actually excited about it. I kid you not. I quote, "Is this the second one after the one got me for Christmas?"
*I didn't think it was possible, but I think I might have found the reader in that kid.
*I almost cried.
*Meanwhile, I brought a friend of mine with me to this thing and my ex was talking his ear off the WHOLE TIME during cake and presents.
*He was about ready to cry, too.
*By the time we were ready to leave, C-Man was full of hugs and "love yous." H-Girl was still loving mom. She was thrilled that I had watched her bowl her game. So, I was good for several hugs, lots of love yous, and she was even excited about a sleepover.
*Magic is alive.
*I asked my friend when we got in his truck what my ex had to say and he said, "I really couldn't tell you, but he is full of more bs than anyone I have ever met."
*That sounds about right.
*It was exhausting being married to the man, but that is another blog, which I probably won't write.
*It was then pizza and karaoke.
*It took over an hour for our food to arrive. That has never happened before. I was seriously hungry.
*I totally rocked Elton John's Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny).
*I was so tired when I got home that I didn't even have time for my usual insomnia. Can you believe that?
*I spent most of today lying around feeling exhausted, but not sleeping. And migrainey.
*Yah, today is much more typical of my regular life.
*Oh, and thinking about Marshall Mathers and the Grammys.
*He is up for 10 Awards. I hope you guys are cheering him on.
*I hope he wears something nice. No sweatpants or athletic pants at the Grammys.
*And a smile would be nice.
*Just sayin'.

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY

2011-02-10T23:04:00.012-05:00

Holy tomoly peeps! I think I am losing my mind. No, seriously. I think there is a screw loose upstairs. I have been working diligently on the Thursday material. I have a pretty good list. I put together that Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice were on tonight (both Thursday shows) and still did not translate that out to today being Thursday on this here blog. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? HOW DO THOSE CIRCUITS NOT CONNECT???? So, I just finished watching Private Practice and went, "Oh crap. It's Thursday. What in the world am I thinking about? Where is my Thursday post? Egads!!!" And here we are.

Now for those of you wondering what I am blathering on about NOW.... Let me catch you up. Today is the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for JJ The Disconnected Writer:

This one is for Nicole at Destination Unknown:

This one is for Purple Cow at Letters To Imaginary Friends (warning peekaboo nudity):

This one is for Mary the Food Floozie:

This one is for Phoenix at Res Ipsa Loquitur:

This one is for Cinderita at The Adventures of Cinderita:

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for Average Girl at It's an Average Life:

image found at www.weheartit.com

For Those Who Have Heart.

2011-02-08T20:05:00.009-05:00

First of all, I hope that no one passes out. Two blogs posts in two days. I know it is scary. Today started off rocky, but it got a bit better. I still am hovering on the line. In migraine terms, it means I feel very nauseated and things could jettison from okay to terrible at any time. Yeah, this isn't thrilling me. So, I am choosing to be okay. In that endeavor, I am embarking on a blog post. That is after having read several of YOUR blog posts. I am determined to not let this migraine take over my life again. Why? Because it is a biotch and once it gets in your head it just doesn't want to leave. Well, that would indicate that it isn't already there. I am determined to not let her crank up the volume any louder. Enough is enough. I think Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer did a song with that theme. In the 80s. Hmmmm. I might have to do some enterprising research on youtube and crank it out for Inspirational music day. There... a positive goal. And a good reason to troll youtube. Fantasmic. And we are off to the races.

I decided that it was way past time to deal with some awards. I have some others that have been on the shelf so long that I have forgotten the nitty gritty on them. Yikes. That is a good reason to handle these asap. This first one has been making the rounds. I have seen it on many of your blogs. It is the Life Is Good award. Yvonne at Writing My Life Away! honored me with it a while ago and I have been remiss in accepting it, answering the questions, and passing it along. I am going with the usual excuse: it was the migraine people. If ever there is a problem on this blog, blame the migraine.

Part one is to thank the person who gave you the award. Thank you, Yvonne. If you haven't yet checked out her blog, I encourage you to take a moment to do so. She runs the gamut from the serious to the comical. Her subject matter is pretty much her life (shocking, eh?) and covers work, dating, friends, and all the other craziness that life hands out. That is where the comical sometimes comes in. Also the sad. As I said, it is a little bit of everything, but it is always honest. And usually short. Totally unlike this long-winded blog. So, it will be a refreshing change for you! Thanks again, Yvonne, for the award! This one came with 10 questions that I have to answer. Let's get started. I will do my best to keep it short (not my long suit...).

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

I am pseudo-anonymous. I know that doesn't really make sense, but some people that I actually know are aware of this blog and might or might not read it. I have purposely kept many people that I know unaware of this blog so that it could be a place where I could write freely.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side

When I was six or so, I strongly resisted making the bed by myself. I already knew on some level that mastery of that event would lead to a lifetime of making my own bed. I don't know how long I got away with "I can't do it" before my mother wised up and called me out. After that, the game was over. She was totally on to me. That tactic never worked again. Very smart woman, my mom.

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

Dark circles under my eyes. I know that it is from the chronic pain, but that is the one thing that I really hate. Everything else I can live with well enough.

4. What is your favorite summer cold drink?

I pretty much drink water or G2 all of the time now. Every now and then I will drink a Coke. Mostly when we eat out because the water is terrible.

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?

Blog, read, watch TV. I keep telling myself that I am going to start yoga again. However, my willpower isn't very strong right now and my fibro pain is. Aaaccchhh.

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?

Unless you are new to this blog, you have heard oodles about My Big Idea. It isn't going lots of places of right now, but that doesn't mean I am not thinking about it. I am always refining it in my head. I still need email addresses of everyone who reads this blog. You can give me yours by emailing me. That way I can email you my Big Idea letter the next time I send it out. I am keeping a list of email addys. I have a website to build, houses to build, lives to change. Did I mention that I am on a mission to save the world? Yep. Big Idea. And I could use your help. Email me. Seriously.

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?

I was a fairly good student until the 9th grade. Then I became an excellent student. My Bs mingled with a few As became straight As. My mother was shocked at the first report card. I straightened her out. "Mom, from hereon out it goes on my permanent record." The way she tells it, she says I spoke to her in a voice like everyone should know this important information. I think I must have thought a lot of myself. LOL. From the 10th grade on, I didn't even take lunch. Yeah, I had to get a note from the parents each year to opt out, but I had too many other things going on. No time for lunch. I graduated with a 4.0 GPA from high school. And I had lots of extra curriculars. I think we can all say that I was an over achiever. Did anyone ditch in high school? Seriously???? Dang. There was too much going on! Stuff to learn to get into college. No time for ditching.

8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?

When I was little one of my favorite places to be was in my dad's lap with my icy cold feet under his legs. He never complained.

The vacations I took with my best friend Jennifer, and her family, to Kiawah Island in high school. The car ride alone was hilarious and, to this day, we crack up just talking about it. The car ride, that is.

When my first boyfriend told me he loved me. It was at night on the beach. It felt like something out of a movie. It really couldn't have been more perfect. First love is magic.

I could go on and on. Memories are cherished things.

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?

I think that I tend to blather on and on about me. You guys probably know way more than you want to about the World of Robin. I pretty much don't hold anything back. Excruciatingly honest. I am not sure that everyone is comfortable with that. My followers keeps going up and down. I don't worry about it. That much honesty just isn't for everyone!

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

It all depends on the day. Seriously. Some days I don't feel up to either task. I don't really want to talk to people because I don't feel well. And it hurts my head to read. Other times I think that reading is important to pull me out of something if I can read. It is an excellent distraction. And any distraction is a good one. As for the phone thing, it can be wonderful. I love to laugh and whatnot. So, those phone calls are always good. That laughter is the best medicine.... I think that there is something to that. I know that I really didn't answer the question, but really how do you choose? I love both!

That was seriously very tiring. I wrote way too much. So, I am going to save the other award for tomorrow. Or the next time I blog. Now I am going to pass this one on to others deserving of the honor. Who am I kidding? If I follow your blog, you are deserving of the honor. I am going to try and remember if you have received it or not and do my best not to regift it to anyone who has already been there, done that.

JJ The Disconnected Writer

Liza at Middle Passages

Sharon at Musings of a Mercurial Woman

Kim at Saving My Life

Manzanita at Wanna Buy a Duck

Now, I can't think of a time that I haven't honored Purple Cow when I get honored. However, she retired her Australian in Athens blog and started a new one called Letters to Imaginary Friends. Well, as you can imagine it is just what it implies: letters. I gave her an award the last time I received one, and she appreciated it, but couldn't quite figure out how to work it into a letter. It was quite the dilemma. So, Purple Cow, if you can figure out how to manipulate this award into a letter, it is yours. I challenge you to do it. There. This is me throwing down the gauntlet. Let's see just how good you are... I am waiting to be impressed. And I'm not worried.

Well, that is all I have for today. Keep writing peeps so that I can come up with a decent Thursday. We can't have a sucky Thursday after a No Thursday. That would be dreadful. So write, write, write, and write some more. Now I am done.

image found at www.weheartit.com

Back In The Saddle. I Think.

2011-02-07T19:44:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone. Just checking in to let you know that I am not dead and I think (and really hope) that the worst of this migraine is over... for now. What am I saying? I think that we are back to the regularly scheduled migraine. Yeah, that still means I am chugging pain pills daily, but the good news is that I am not thinking about how to separate my head from my body. Yeah, I spent considerable thought on the axe theory (again) and (again) determined that it just isn't possible to cut off one's head with an axe. Since I have already been down this road with my parents, I knew that they were unwilling to help me in this endeavor, so... it was just a matter of waiting it out. God bless me. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. This is the time when I would add "bless her heart" if I were talking about someone else. LOL. That is just how we do it in the south.

Now, this might sound like a depressing blog, but it isn't. Truly. I feel so much better that you would not believe it. It makes my regular pain, which is pretty sucky, a much happier place to be. Who knew? See, there is good news everywhere. Sometimes you just have to look pretty hard to find it.

Speaking of good news, I was so touched by those of you who sent me HERE'S TO YOU videos on Thursday. Yellow Rose Jasmine. Carol the Gardener. Red Shoes. If I missed someone, it is because I needed a strong sign pointing me in the right direction. I was not doing any voluntary blog reading. Anyway, your videos really touched my heart. And some of you have stopped by several times leaving comments, others have sent email... it is all quite wonderful. I have the best blog friends. Truly. The videos, the comments, the emails all put a smile on my face. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And I am looking forward to getting back to my regular blog reading and writing.

I spent a lot of time lying in bed listening to music. I have a bunch of songs on a rotation. Anyway, no matter how yucky I felt this one made me feel just a tiny bit better, at least for four minutes or so. So, here is my HERE'S TO YOU right back at you. I know it isn't Thursday. Apparently, we are all rule-breakers! I love you guys. Happy Monday!

Don't ya know it won't embed. So click here to get your groove on.

Say What? That is Just Not Right.

2011-02-02T17:37:00.002-05:00

I suppose everyone gets a first eventually. This week we all get to experience the first the no HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY. I didn't say it was a good first; just a first. I haven't been writing blogs since last Thursday. For the most part, I haven't been reading them, either. Occasionally, I will try and give it a go. That usually lasts about 15 minutes or so. You might have noticed my lack of comment. It goes along with my lack of reading. I really try very hard to give a (thoughtful) comment on each and every blog I read. I know that I appreciate them, so that I kinda figure that you do, too.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Me and my migraines. Man alive. I always have a migraine. You might have known that. Might have not. But it is all a matter of DEGREE. And the degree this week has been MIND BLOWING. I can't say that anything super stressful has happened. It has just been bad. Yep. It gets like that sometimes. Me and me fantasizing about the axe. Just kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, rather than stress about not having read your blogs and a Thursday that I cannot control, I am letting this go. I figure that you can all live without one HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY. Next week is bound to be better. Besides, it will all give you something to look forward to and you can think hard about what to write about this week:-)

For the record, I have missed you all and your stories. I am looking forward to getting back to my regularly scheduled migraine. Until then, keep on doing what you're doing. I will jump back into this blogging thing as soon as I can.

Peace Out.

HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY

2011-01-27T14:56:00.004-05:00

Today is the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for FACING 50 WITH HUMOUR:

This one is for Cinderita at The Adventures of Cinderita:

This one is for Average Girl at It's An Average Life:

This one is for Phoenix at Res Ipsa Loquitur:

You have to click here to watch.

This one is for Simple Dude at Simple Dude in a Complex World:

image found at www.weheartit.com

MONKEY UP EVERYTHING HONEY

2011-01-23T16:09:00.007-05:00

It is Sunday. You know what that means. Yep. I am one day late, but not TOO late for the Inspirational Music Post for the weekend. I used to call it the Saturday post. I can't remember when it last made it on a Saturday. I am thinking of calling it the Inspirational Music Sunday post. That way it would fall on the correct day.

Normally, I pull out my Inspirational To Me song first and then move on to what was rocking MTV back in the 80s. If you are new to Inspirational Song Day, the MTV portion of this post is decided on several factors. 80s music and 80s video were using one another to rocket songs to success. Some artists were exceptional at this and others not so much. I think that everyone understands that teenagers were riveted to MTV, but they didn't all understand how to go about making a great video. Or they didn't have the skills to really entertain. Some people can sing, but can they perform? Those are two very different skill sets. If not for MTV, Michael Jackson and Madonna might not be the legends in music that they are today. Ponder that for a moment and then we shall move on.

Okay, I am going to bank on the fact that you have pondered. Or as John Cage from Ally McBeal would have said, "You have taken a moment." Let's take a look at WHAM today. That would be the duo that was George Michael and that Other Guy. You don't remember his name? Me either. George Michael was the talent in that duo. He was also the good looks and the performer. In other words, he had it all going on. If your gaydar was installed and working properly, you knew he was gay, straight out of the gate. My friend, Megan, spotted it immediately. Gay. I was like, "Say what? He is yummy."

She says, "If those shorts get any shorter in WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO -GO, he will be without pants." She then went into, "Who wears short shorts, George wears short shorts," in a sing song voice. I was very familiar with the video and the short shorts. She was right. They couldn't get any shorter. Gay. How sad. I got over it and just enjoyed the show. It's still a great song. How does he get his teeth that white? Inquiring minds need to know! And here is the video and George in his very short shorts... I apologize ahead of time because it is a very catchy tune. The 80s are brilliant with their songs.

WHAM! Now wasn't that awesome? That is just like going back in time. Well, as close as I am ever going to get. Here is another best from WHAM! I love this one for two reasons. You get the plus of seeing what the concerts were like, because they have it going on in the background. Man, that was insane. You can also see what the live performances were like... incredible, amazing, mind-blowing, insert your own word here. However, it isn't strictly a lame concert video, which I think is lame when you have this wonderful medium at your disposal. However, George Michael functions best as a performance artist, so you can see why inserting pieces of his concerts into his videos works. It is all part of the art. It showcases how he MOVES. Sort of like Michael Jackson and his dancing. That is a big part of what made him such a huge hit. Singing and dancing and how they went together were a very big deal in the 80s. I will stop talking about it and let you watch it in action...

Eventually, George Michael split from the Other Guy and went solo. Well, that was huge because one of his first big hits as a solo artist was I WANT YOUR SEX. Does anyone else remember this? I was glad I was at college when this happened. I can't imagine playing this at top volume at home. My mom would have blown a freaking gasket. At college, it was a whole different ballgame. I was listening to the Violent Femmes at top volume and they used the "F" word repeatedly, which would have might caused her to disown me. Did I mention there was some rebellion going on in college? No. I suppose that listening to The Violent Femmes and I WANT YOUR SEX are fairly large clues. I suppose that is better than having lots of sex. People who talk about it a lot are usually not doing it. Just sayin'. Mom would be relieved. Just in case she reads this blog. Moving on...

Anyway, one of my favorite songs off of that album was the song called MONKEY. I don't think that I have seen the video until today. However, it illustrates how much George's image changed in a fairly short amount of time. About six years, I think. I don't know if he was out of the closet with everyone, or if I just knew because of my above-mentioned friend, Megan. I know that my college best friend, Jennifer, had a terrible crush on him. I hated to dash her hopes and dreams. She refused to accept the cold, hard truth, so I am thinking that maybe he was still in the closet. I don't know. My memory is lousy. Or she thought it was a waste. Whatever. *sigh* Anyway, at the time, I thought the song was about drugs, because drugs were commonly referred to as being a monkey on someone's back. However, I now think that any addiction can be the monkey. It's a great song. I think I love it more now than I did then. I hope you give it a listen. George still has excellent moves, but the lyrics of the song just might speak to you. A monkey is anything that is holding you back. Keeping you from getting what you want in your life. You need to figure out how to peel that thing off, once and for all, so that you can start living the life that is waiting for you. And when I say you, I mean you... and me.

Technically, I suppose I could stop this post right here because that song was pretty darn inspirational to me. Right now. However, I already had something else picked out for today. Something occurred to me a couple of days ago. As someone who loves 80s music, there are a few things about it that make it appealing. It is lyrical in a way that it is distinctive to the decade. Most songs last about three minutes. Another thing is that the chorus repeats many times. Particularly at the end. If you don't know any part of the song, you know the chorus, because it is repeated often. Not so in current rock music. You get the chorus at most, in many, three times. And the songs can last up to five minutes. Also, the chord structure in current music is limited. The riffs don't linger in your head. You don't find yourself humming them later. The music isn't lyrical. They aren't easy to sing. As someone who likes to karaoke, the current stuff is tough to sing. And a lot of it is actually not that pretty. 80s music is fun to sing. Sounds pretty. As a singer, it is easier to sing. All kinds of pluses. Interesting.

Now, where was I going? The thing that is closest to 80s music in today's music: Country music. You heard me. It is the reason that people who like OLD country don't like today's country. It is too pop. If you listen to Tim McGraw's song BACK WHEN (which I love, by the way) there is a line in there about him missing back when because they have put pop in his country. It's true. All of the people who grew up on 80s music rebelled when the 90s rolled around, started throwing up in their mouths every time the radio came on, and finally switched to country. Country figured out they were gaining a younger audience (people who grew up on 80s) and started putting pop in their country to keep them, and it worked. People of the 80s: that is where your 80s music went, just in case you were wondering. Everyone who loved John Mellencamp, Bryan Adams, Journey, etc. switch your dial to country. They now go by Kenny Chesney, Jason Aldean, Lady Antebellum, Little Big Town, etc. You can pay me later. I will give you my PayPal information, just send me an email.

Last week I played a Miranda Lambert song called The House That Built Me. That one makes me cry. It's a song about wanting to go home again. I have been feeling that myself. That "if I can just go back for a few minutes, I will find the missing piece and put myself back together again." In fact, I was thinking about roller skating around my neighbor's garage to Rod Stewart's DO YOU THINK I'M SEXY this morning. We would strap on our skates. Yeah, I am that old. And skate around the garage with the record blaring, singing at the top of our voices. At the time, I was certain NO ONE thought I was sexy. I was twelve. Maybe thirteen. However, I was looking forward to a day in the future when someone I had yet to meet would definitely think I was sexy. Back then, all I wanted to be was older and sexy. Now, I would love to be back in that garage, strapping on those skates, and not have a real care in the world. Funny how that works. And that is why I like this song. And so I present Lady Antebellum. The 80s gone country.

I think I used to have the dress she is wearing while she is under the clothesline. Bless her heart. Rock on people.

And in the immortal words of our Atlanta newscaster on youtube, "I love you long. I love you strong. And for God's sake, don't do anything stupid. Don't do anything stupid, people."

images found at www.weheartit.com

Did He Say What I Think He Said?

2011-01-22T23:23:00.006-05:00

I am not feeling up to a "real" blog post. However, my mother sent this to me in an email and it is HILARIOUS. However, you will laugh out loud (GUARANTEED). So, if you are reading this at work, continue on at your own peril.

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit,
Sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow
Towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a
Vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
Abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) LMAOOOO

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY

2011-01-20T16:43:00.006-05:00

Today is the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

Another one for everyone:

This one will not embed. Click here to watch.

This one is for Debra at Write on Target:

This one is for Cinderita at The Adventures of Cinderita:

This one will not embed. Click here to watch.

This one is for Manzanita at Wanna Buy A Duck:

This one is for Kristin at Bringing Pretty Back:

This one is for JJ The Disconnected Writer:

This one is for Ms Bibi at The Queen of Average:

This one is for Pat at live, laugh, love with the pondering princess:

image found at www.weheartit.com

Timing Is Everything.

2011-01-17T17:08:00.007-05:00

Well, I figured out what my post with the "L" should be in my alphabet soup series. Lessons. The trouble there is I can talk about that for a long time. That could be a series of posts all on its own.

I read a post by Corrinne over at Everyday Gyann a week or more ago on lessons. It was actually something she excerpted on lessons. I can't remember it precisely, but the gist of it was that a lesson comes in phases. First is getting that it is a lesson. That still does you really no good if you don't take it further. There was a second point which took it deeper, and I can't remember what that one was, but it still wasn't enough. The only time that you really benefit from the lesson is when you are using the lesson. In other words, you have to apply it in order for the lesson to have benefited you at all. Taking it further yet, you may continue to get the lesson until you apply it. Now, that is fine motivation to get up and start putting it into practice. They call them lessons for a reason: because they are hard. They hurt. They suck. Etc.

Saw the movie Country Strong yesterday. Really good movie. I am always a bit surprised when they cast non-singers in singing roles and it works. Tim McGraw was the only big name country singer, and he didn't sing in the movie. In fact, I looked up the soundtrack and he only sings one duet on there with Gwyneth Paltrow. I was shocked. More on the soundtrack later. For those of you not in the know on this movie. Here is the trailer. Give it a quick watch, so you are up to speed.

Just from watching the trailer, you can already see that the movie is full of potential lessons. One of the best lines going in the trailer: "Don't take someone out of rehab before they're rehabbed." Yep. That would be a lesson. Even a moron can see the potential for disaster there. Fame puts an enormous amount of stress on a person. Pulling someone out of rehab early and immediately throwing them on a tour bus just probably isn't the smartest choice (she says with tongue in cheek).

Here is a short clip from the movie that is one of my favorites and is going to lend itself to where I am going in this blog.

That little clip from the beginning of the movie is how the song Timing Is Everything started to come together. Beau, played by Garrett Hedlund, finished it at the end. Here is the whole song. This is not an official video. Garrett Hedlund doesn't even sing it on the soundtrack. They had Trace Adkins record it for the soundtrack. I suppose that they wanted a "name" for it since it is such a great song. In my opinion, that is a shame, because Garrett Hedlund sings it better. And that is coming from a Trace Adkins fan. Sorry Trace. Here's the video. Listen to the lyrics, because that is the topic for today's yammering.

Timing is everything. "When the stars line up, and you catch a good break, people think you're lucky, but you know it's grace. It can happen so fast or a little bit late. Timing is everything. I know I've had close calls, when it could have been me. I was young when I learned how fragile life can be. I lost friends of mine, I guess it wasn't my time. Timing is everything. And I could have been a child that God took home. And I would have been one more unfinished song. And when it seems the rhyme is hard to find, that's when one comes along just in time. I remember that day when our eyes first met. You ran into the building to get out of the rain, because you were soaking wet. And as I held the door, you wanted to know my name. Timing is everything. And I could have been another minute late. And you never would have crossed my path that day. And when it seems true love is hard to find. That's when love comes along just in time. You can call it fate or destiny. Sometimes it really seems like it's a mystery, because you can be hurt by love or healed by the same. Timing is everything. And it can happen so fast or a little bit late. Timing is everything."

I am one of those people who wants to make things happen once they get the lesson. However, timing is everything. Trying to do too much for me before I really have my migraines under control is akin to pulling someone out of rehab before they are rehabbed. Not smart. However, when you are ready, it can happen so fast... timing is everything. And people will say that you got lucky, but you will know better. But you know it's grace. And timing is everything. You will also know how many hits you took to get to this "lucky place" and are very aware of just how bumpy the ride was, but people don't see that. And the thing that hurt you can be the thing that heals you. Sometimes it really seems like it's a mystery, because you can be hurt by love or healed by the same. Timing is everything. And it can happen so fast or a little bit late. Timing is everything.

I think about starting this blog and all of the people that I have met. Some of you are healthy as horses. Some of you live with chronic pain. Some of you are living your dreams. Some of you are still aspiring to get where you want to go. So, you keep practicing. You have a golden lasso and you keep throwing it out there until you rope in the moon. And it can happen so fast or a little bit late. Timing is everything. Some of you are wanting to meet that someone special. Some of you already have. Some of you have huge goals and have met them. Some of you are in the process of meeting them. Some of you just like to write and this is your personal space to do it. When I started this blog, it was just to keep my sanity. It is still that. But I also got to make a bunch of wonderful friends. And I could have been another minute late. And you never would have crossed my path that day. Timing is everything.

image found at www.weheartit.com

FREEZE THE HOUSE CENTERFOLD STINKS

2011-01-16T12:19:00.005-05:00

I don't know how many of you even noticed, but last weekend I completely failed to put an Inspirational music post up at all. Ugggh. Here's To You Thursday came out on Friday, and by Sunday evening I knew that the music thing just wasn't going to happen. The really sad part about that whole debacle was that I had all of the music chosen. I just didn't feel able to put a post together. That seems really pathetic in hindsight.

Well, let me tell you a little story. Actually, have you ever noticed how sometimes that in life you get a bunch of little stories that fold into a collective of one big story? I think it is the universe trying to tell you something. Maybe. Or not. I do know that I pick up bits and pieces of wisdom from you people on here that make me stop and think and reevaluate. It has been cause for some major chicken coop cleaning (aka brain cleansing).

About a month ago I had a dream about my best friend, Jennifer, from high school, that I think I told you about, that prompted a telephone call. Anyway, we have been talking on the phone since then. It has been a really wonderful reconnection for both of us. To recap for those of you who missed that blog, I was on a crazy vacation with my parents and stressed out, when I bumped into her and her parents and literally said, "Thank God you're here." And then I woke up. I took it as a sign that I should track her down, so I did. Turns out she was thinking about me, too. Life is funny like that.

I think that I also told you about this little family pizza place that does karaoke on the weekends. Well... they have started doing it on Saturday nights now, too. Fridays got crazy. So, we now go on Saturdays. Less crazy. Everyone has a different approach to the whole thing. Some people sing the same thing every week. I suppose, because of that, they get pretty good at the song. It gives them the chance to really practice. They know what is coming, etc. Then there is me. Easily bored. I am more like kamikaze karaoke. I like something different all the time. If it works, great. If not, oh well. Of course, this did work better when I was going to a karaoke joint that let me use my own CDs so I could practice at home and use my CDs. I have LOTS of CDs. Now, even songs that I have on CD aren't necessarily good, because every version is different. LOL. One would think I might do the same thing a few times just so that I have a few things that I know are top-notch. Nope. Apparently that is not how I roll. I know that I have some things that I think will be better, but that is as close as I come. I get easily diverted, because that really isn't where I was going with this story...lol. Now where I was going...

Last week there was a young girl who sang Miranda Lambert's The House That Built Me. Honestly, the kid really couldn't sing that well. As in, she found about half the notes half the time. However, anyone who does karaoke is a superstar in my book. It takes courage to stand up and sing in front of people, so I clap for everyone. Some people because they are good, and some people because they are done. I just don't explain. At the end of that song, I was about crying in my chair. That is puzzle piece number 2 to this story. How about we listen to Miranda sing the song? She hits all of the notes. That is refreshing. And it is a cool video to boot.

I have been dreaming about the house where I grew up for a while now. In several different contexts actually. For those of you who have read this blog for a long time might remember some of them. But sometimes I just go home and walk around my house in my dreams. There is a part of me that knows that whoever moved in changed "my" house. They redecorated, maybe even made major renovations. But in my dreams it is just the same. I have also talked (repeatedly) about time travel machines and fixing my life. I used to joke that if I could just get back to the summer before my senior year of high school, I think that would do it. I would be back at a place where I was healthy enough that I could make better choices, and stay that way. Blah blah blah. I think mostly what I want is just to feel what it was like to feel certain again. That girl felt certain about her life and where she going. The last time I felt certain was when I was in high school. So those lyrics speak to me.

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Enter the third puzzle piece to this story. Once again, it comes to me via a dream. I tell you, if not for dreams I am not sure I would figure anything out! One morning this week I had a dream where I was with my friend, Megan, after a very long absence, and I was so happy to see her that I was crying. I mean really crying. Crying so hard in the dream that I was crying in real life. Crying so hard that it woke me up. At 4:30am. Yeah, that part sucked. Cause my head was freaking killing me when I came awake. Like it was going to roll right off my shoulders killing me. But, I knew that it was another sign. I was supposed to call her. Naturally, my address book was lost in my move. But, her husband, another former high school friend of mine is on facebook, and I sent him an email. She lives on the West Coast and we have been trying to connect since then. It is difficult to conquer time zones.

What I am getting at here is support system. Everyone needs one. When you are in pain, you don't want to talk to people because you feel lousy, so you push people out. That is the wrong thing to do. I have been doing it for years. However, it is the wrong thing to do. You don't want to burden them with your pain. You want to wait until you are all better, and have good news to report. Well, guess what? By the time you have good news to report a decade may have gone by; a decade is rough on a friendship. Don't wait. I have good friends. That are patient with my stupidity and willing to understand. Not everyone is. Make the call already.

Now, on to our 80s bands of the week. MTV is still rocking it out. I don't have lots to say about this band. I think the music speaks for itself. The music is good. The video is good. I always try to choose good music and good video. If you don't have good video, you don't make my weekend line up. So, this week's 80s pick is.... wait for it... J Geils Band. And you can decide what your favorite is and let me know.

Okay, once again this has all made me miss MTV like crazy. Well, not today's MTV. But MTV when it was GOOD. So, I salute the 80s and it's fine music. And I miss it like crazy. And I promise to be back next week to favor you with another impressive video artiste. Until then, rock on!

BAGGED AND TAGGED!

2011-01-14T17:40:00.006-05:00

Well, I have a story to tell you! I was just going along, and blogging my own business, when Mary the Food Floozie went and tagged me out. You heard me right. She went and tagged me out. Apparently, Leanne tagged her out with 19 questions, which she answered thoughtfully, and even managed to incorporate some youtube action. Normally, I am all over that. I don't know how I let this post get by me with no youtube action (I am mentally doing some head scratching right now, but trying to move past this salient point). Anyway, back to the topic at hand... she tagged me out. She answered the questions and then tagged four people to answer the same 19 questions. I was one of the four. Yep, I am one of her people. We are tight. Buds. Peeps. Pals. Sistas. Okay, I have worked that as much as I am going to for now. I might come back to it again later. Or not. So, here are the 19 questions and my educated, insightful responses.

1. if you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

Definitely members of the family. Our dogs are getting older and I worry about it. No one can even talk about the passing of our family dog when I was growing up without a total breakdown. That involves tons of tissue and brings on a sinus headache on top of my pre-existing migraine. Yeah, people who love dogs as much as I do probably shouldn't adopt them knowing that I will probably outlive them. Probably.

2. if you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

Well, this is going to be a reoccurring theme, I think. (I read the questions already.) My website is going to take off, which means people are going to respond like crazy to my email with doctor/medical information. When I get better I will take it to the next level and register it as a non-profit organization. Someone will offer to do a fundraiser and the dominoes will start to fall into place to kick off Phase 2: Forging Hope Houses. HGTV will agree to put it in their fall line-up and the fundraising race will be on. The race we will win, by the way. So, sometime in the next three years or so 24 houses will be coming to cities or towns near you. Assisting people in their journey from illness to wellness. Forging Hope Houses. Moving from a dream to a reality.

3. what is the one thing most hated by you?

Negativity (if I have to pick just one ~ all the other bad stuff blows off of it).

4. what would you do with a billion dollars?

I would Launch Phase 2 all by myself. I would convince HGTV to put it on the fall line-up, still fundraise, get celebrities to support it (people love their celebs), and pull approx 10 individuals or families off of the streets in 24 cities and put them in a house. 10 people who were misdiagnosed or undiagnosed to the point that they became so sick that they lost their job, their health insurance, and finally their house. You can't even apply for SSDI without an address. 10 people (some with, and some without families) will get a home. Three meals a day. A driver to get them to their medical appts. An address so that they can apply for SSDI. Their kids can go to school. Their spouse, if they have one, can apply for work. They can pay rent when their SSDI comes in (% appropriate), their dr bills, and put money back into savings, so that they can have something for a downpayment on car/home when they are well. The goal is to assist them on their journey from illness to wellness. Forging Hope House is The Assist in giving them their life back. Sick person walks in and well person walks out who can go back to work, or at least, have SSDI and be able to manage their life.

5. what helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Laughing, singing, reading some of your blogs! Watching YouTube. I am a YouTube junkie. Oh, and MM. If you don't know what that means.... well, you haven't been reading this blog regular enough!

6. which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

This reminds me of a blog I wrote about the "curse" I feel like I was dealt back in college. I had to choose my freshman year whether I would marry someone who I loved more or who loved me more. Either way, it was lose/lose. You loved him more than he loved you and you knew it. Or he loved you more than you loved him, and you knew it. Horrible choice. All of this after my terrible epic fail in Music Theory Class. It was one epic fail after another. Anyway, I reflected on this blog that I felt like it set up my whole life and all of my relationships. Destined to be in one relationship after another that was out of balance. And it was like I sensed it that day of my freshman year in college. Destiny weighing down on me just waiting to spite me in future years. Egads. BOTH ARE HORRIBLE. I have lived on both ends of this scale and they both SUCK MONKEY BALLS. I choose to never live this way ever again. How is that for you fate? Never again!!!!! Suck that. In other words, there is no blessing in either of those choices... if I wasn't clear enough.

7. what is your bedtime routine?

Well, I watch my soaps on weekdays on soapnet (to wind down) at least most of the time. Sometimes GH winds me up, but most of the time it winds me down. And I putz around on facebook while I am doing this. I have watched these shows for 20+ years... yeah, I am that old. So, I can multi-task and not miss anything. Every now and then something is so riveting that I have to just sit and stare, but most of the time I can do my facebook crap and and watch/listen to my soaps at the same time. Then, it is fill my water, brush teeth, pee (did you really need all of this info?), and then my nightly prayers. Then, I lie there. Sometimes I sleep. Usually I lie in bed and listen to my migraine until about 1am before I drift off. I think I have covered everything.

8. if you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

Currently in a relationship....hahahahahaha

9. if you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

I am trying to come up with something you'd believe, but you all know it is Marshall Mathers. After he pulled out his box of notepads on 60 Minutes, I am now riveted by how he takes an idea and runs with it. Does it start with a word? A phrase? Does he pull it off one of those notepads or it is something that just leaps into his mind? Does he pull the whole thing together in like 30 minutes or is it something that torments him for days? I know that sometimes an idea will grab hold of me and practically write itself. It comes out fast and furious. And, other times, it is like scraping the bottom of a very empty barrel. Painful. I suspect it is a mixture of both. Yeah, I admit I would love to be a fly on that wall. Well, not really a fly. Flies are gross. You know what I mean.

10. what kinds of books do you read?

Here lately I haven't been reading much of anything. The last books I read were some YA books I bought for H-girl. I vetted them to see if she might like them. I liked them, but that means nada. Normally, I read women's fiction. I will also read stuff on non-traditional health (shocking, I know). But, I also like James Patterson, particularly the Alex Cross series. And I have already gone on about how awesome Janet Evanovich is, so I won't bore you anymore with that. I am a recent Charlaine Harris fan. I was gobbling up the Sookie Stackhouse series until I realized I would hit the end in a couple of books, so I quit. I wanted to have something to savor. So, I haven't been doing much reading lately... except for you folks. Oh, yeah, and I keep reading Peter Drucker's book on managing a non-profit over and over and over again. Can we say obsessed?

11. how would you see yourself in ten years time?

Managing a very successful non-profit organization.

12. what’s your fear?

That I will allow my fear to cloud my judgement. Anything is possible, so long as you know that it is possible. It is when you stop knowing it that it stops being possible.

13. would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

I don't give a rat's butt about outer space. I have a mission on this planet.

14. would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

Money is irrelevant. People, I am on a mission to save the freaking world.

15. what’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Well, before I can save the freaking world, I take my pain medication for my killer migraines. And then I claw my way to the bathroom.

16. if you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

Magic wand. Appear.

17. if you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

My name means "of shining fame." I can live with that.

18. would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

I have tried to do that. Learned that I don't have that superpower.

19. if you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

My friend, Mary, is pretty smart. She went with salad, so that she could go with all kinds of salad. Chicken salad, tuna salad, etc. I think I am going to be a copycat and go with that, too. I couldn't live on just ONE thing for six months. Seriously. One thing? I am already down to a size 4 peeps. You put me on one food item and I might just die. And I can't die now. I have BIG PLANS and I am not going out because I was so stupid I only ate one thing for six months. So, there you go!

Now, I have to pick four people to tag out. I am basing this decision on a couple of factors. I know that some of you just don't "do" these sorts of things. So, not getting tagged doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means I know you. And some of you need some love right now, and that is what this is ~ some tagging love. And there are others of you who I think will provide very funny answers to these questions. You can decide where you fall in my decision-making process. In any event, I look forward to reading your answers to these questions. You have been tagged...

Carol the Gardener

That One Girl at What Was I Saying Again?

JJ The Disconnected Writer

Purple Cow at Letters to Imaginary Friends (to get your new blog going!)

To make this easier, here are the 19 questions for you:

1. if you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
2. if you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
3. what is the one thing most hated by you?
4. what would you do with a billion dollars?
5. what helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
6. which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
7. what is your bedtime routine?
8. if you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
9. if you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
10. what kinds of books do you read?
11. how would you see yourself in ten years time?
12. what’s your fear?
13. would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
14. would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
15. what’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
16. if you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
17. if you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
18. would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
19. if you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY

2011-01-13T17:48:00.004-05:00

Today is the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for FACING 50 WITH HUMOUR:

This one is for Purple Cow at Letters to Imaginary Friends:

This one is for Nicole at Destination Unknown:

This one is for Empty Nest:

This one is for Tracy at It's an Average Life:

This one is for Mary the Food Floozie:

This one is for Yvonne at Writing My Life Away!:

Click here to watch. Video will not embed.

image found at www.weheartit.com

Going In Circles.

2011-01-11T17:52:00.006-05:00

This is just a quick post to let you know that I haven't died. Some of you know that already as I have left some blog comments. I just haven't felt up to the task of posting an actual blog. I am doing the alphabet soup thing and am up to the letter "L." Honestly, can't even come up with subject matter for the letter "L," which is indicative of my state of mind. Or lack thereof. I am doing really well if I am putting together a coherent comment on your blogs.

We did get spanked with that cold front, so we got snow and sleet. Georgians are simply not equipped to handle snow and sleet. It shut everything down. My doctor's office called and cancelled my appt yesterday, which was a good thing, because there was a solid sheet of ice on the roads, so we would have to cancel. Like I said, the state is simply not prepared for these sorts of conditions. And my migraine has been through the roof. The change in barometric pressure with a storm front like that always rockets me into outer space. So... blaaaahhhh.

I did read something interesting and am giving it a try. It was noted that people with migraines often have cold hands. So there is a line of thinking among some non-traditional practitioners who practice biofeedback with specific intent to lower the temp of the hands. In other words, if you can consciously learn to lower the temp of the hands, then it will trigger a physical vascular response. With a migraine, a person is experiencing vascular constriction. That constriction causes the pain. I am at a loss for the words I want, but if warming the hands can produce the opposite effect, that is a very good thing. I am not convinced that I can get my doctors to do biofeedback with handwarming as the goal. They are willing to do biofeedback for pain management, but I think that they might think I have a screw loose if I suggest the hand warming thing. Of course, when have I ever let that stop me? Right now, I am wearing knitted gloves with the fingertips cut off. It has only been a couple of days, so I can't tell if there is a noticeable improvement. Plus, my tips remain icy at all times since they are exposed. I think that might impede any real progress. But, it is overall more pleasant than having icy cold hands all of the time.

The only other news I have is that Social Security based their decision on ~~approving~~ denying me for SSDI based upon the reports of four doctors. Two of those doctors were ones that they sent me to for evaluations. The other two were supposed to be my doctors. One of them was. One of them was not. One of them was someone I have never seen in my entire life. That was that the doctor report that they used as my primary care physician. Someone I have never seen. Naturally, that doctor sent back a report saying, "No information on this patient." Of course, he had no information. I had never been inside his office. I would like to think that Social Security just made an error, but I would think that if they got a report like that they would double check the file, and then request information from the correct doctor. They didn't do that. That leads me to believe this was their way of denying my claim. The people handling my claim couldn't even work up steam about this because it "happens all the time." I was outraged. They were resigned. Finally, I realized all of my outrage was only going to crank my migraine into the red zone, so I let it go. We are working within their crappy system. Of course, now we can include their pulling bad information as part of our appeal. I was on the phone with my rep today to put our paperwork together. So, we are off to the races again.

My fellow blogger, JJ, posted something yesterday about the shooting in Arizona. He invited discourse on the subject of violence in society, and threw out some stats. He also said that people were uncomfortable with this sort of topic matter. Actually ~ discussing this sort of topic matter. I said that it wasn't so much feeling uncomfortable about the discussion, but feeling that there were no real solutions. People can talk forever about something, but solving it is a whole different animal. I feel the same way about this Animal that is Social Security. I have talked to a whole bunch of people about them pulling the wrong doctor's records and denying my claim. You know what? I am the only person who is outraged by this information. Even my mother shrugs it off and says we will appeal it. Why isn't anyone mad about this? Why aren't people angry about how rotten the state of Denmark has become? This stinks from the core. Why isn't she angry? Because she doesn't think she can do a thing about it, that's why. When I talked to my allsup rep, I expected them to be all over it. They weren't. We'll file the appeal and include that. The Animal called Social Security is too big. It may be rotten and stinky, but it's huge.

You see why I am not writing posts? My mind just goes in circles.

image found at www.weheartit.com

HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY

2011-01-07T16:25:00.003-05:00

This week has been crazy. For the first time since I started posting weekly HERE'S TO YOU posts on Thursdays, I missed one. This worries me. My Inspirational Song Saturday posts very quickly began sliding to Sunday. Now they occur more often on Sunday than Saturday. Oh dear. I promise to not make this a regular thing. HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY is not going to regularly roll out on Friday. That just isn't going to happen.

I do have some new followers scratching their heads wondering what the big deal is. Click on HERE'S TO YOU DAY in my sidebar to get a line on some older posts. But here's the skinny on HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY. Even though today is Friday. Today is the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is ~~HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY~~ HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. ~~It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.~~ It is the best day of the work week... this week.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for Yvonne at Writing My Life Away:

This one is for Mitzi at Daily Reflection:

This one is for Nicole at Destination Unknown:

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

You have to click here to watch. It would not embed. Grrrr.

This one is for JJ The Disconnected Writer:

This one is for Donna at Refusing to Age Gracefully:

People's Choice Awards Breakdown and a Shoutout to Marshall Mathers

2011-01-06T18:38:00.011-05:00

Okay, here is the deal. I totally don't have a HERE'S TO YOU DAY post ready for today. If I hadn't had a doctor's appointment, followed by several errands with mom, I probably could have put one together. But.... I did. So, I am thinking it is going to be tomorrow. I have all of one idea written down. I know. I suck. Sometimes, the ideas for these things don't just come to me like bolts out of the sky. Sometimes they do. Sometimes I get three or four in a day. Sometimes I get nada. This week it has been a lot of nada.

So, instead of a Here's to you post, let's chat about the People's Choice Awards. Did you vote? If you did, you probably know that you could have voted repeatedly. There was no limit to the number of times you could go through the cycle of voting for all of the categories. I ran the gamut about six times. I then became so bored that I was about to nod off. I decided that six was plenty and quit. I am sure that there were some die-hard fans out there who spent days doing nothing but voting. On the one hand, I applaud their tenacity. On the other hand, I am really frightened of these people. Moving on...

I actually watched the awards show. I was hoping to see you know who, though I had a feeling that he wasn't going to be there. I was right. He was not there. We shall get around to the unnamed later. Let's talk about some of the stuff that actually happened.

Johnny Depp was named Favorite Male Actor again this year. Thumbs Up on that one. I can always get behind that vote. In fact, I think I cast that vote. Johnny Depp is not only uber-hot, but a very fine actor. I couldn't have been more pleased with this choice. America, you rocked that vote!

Glee won lots of stuff. Don't watch Glee, but it has made me curious. And I was in choirs in high school. If this show keeps music programs alive in high schools, I am all for it. Or if it makes people just spontaneously break out into song AND people think it is cool instead of nerdy, I can also get behind that. So, while I didn't vote for it, I can dig it.

Adam Sandler won funniest male actor. I really like Adam Sandler, so that was cool. I can't remember who I voted for, because my memory sucks. I don't think it was him, but I am still okay with how it all turned out.

House won lots of awards, but the only one that was broadcast was Lisa Edelstein getting her award. Now, I don't watch House, and I didn't vote for Lisa Edelstein. However, I think she may have had the funniest acceptance speech of the show. She whipped out a list of her favorite voters and read them off. It was hilarious. I have seen Lisa in other things and liked her. Glad she has found a show that has hit home with the viewers (even if I am not one of them). So, yay Lisa!

I learned something about this awards show business. They totally know who has won before this show starts. The only exceptions were two awards: New Drama and New Comedy, which they were still accepting votes on. Everything else had been closed out. The winners had been notified and the losers didn't even show up at the ceremony. How lame is that? They had all the winners in the front row. No one was surprised. Now that gets a thumbs down. What gets a thumbs up is that Hawaii Five-O won Best New Drama. Maybe, just maybe, Alex O'Loughlin can finally get with a show that sticks. That man is pure deliciousness and I am tired of following him from one show to another. It would have been fantastic had Moonlight not been cancelled, but it was. Then he went to Three Rivers. I would have been delighted if that had not been cancelled, but it was. Okay, now we have Hawaii Five-O. It has a tight cast and Hawaii. Mostly it has Alex O'Loughlin. CBS if you cancel this show, I might have to send you some hate mail. I really don't want to go there. The people agree with me. They have spoken. It got the vote!

The giveaway on the above was the viral video. They made a trip pre-awards show to the family who won the video and gave them an award made out of chex (or some other snack food) to keep until the show when they could get the real thing (made out of Waterford Crystal). This was one category I didn't vote in because I didn't know the subject matter. I treated it like any other voting situation. If you don't know what it is, don't vote and leave it to people who know something. Turned out to be a good decision because the winning vid was adorable. However, I wonder how many DAYS before the awards show they got their award???? Here is this hilarious winning video:

The most curious situation was the Twilight Saga. I thought that Kristin Stewart and Rob Pattinson were a couple. In real life. I don't know... maybe I am out of the loop on this one. The deal was this: Kristin, Rob, and Taylor Lautner were flown in from their location shooting for this awards show. Obviously, they won an award (or two). Turns out Kristin won Favorite Female Actor. Taylor is dressed to the nines in a tux. Kristin is in a dress that is way too short and heels that are way too high. (If that dress were any shorter, we would have been looking at her vajajay folks. That is something I really did NOT want to see.) And Rob looked like he came in from lumberjacking. WTH? When her name gets called, Taylor jumps up and escorts her to the stage. Well, he was dressed for it. Rob looks like crap. Kristin looks unprepared for this award (which I have figured out by now is BS, because she should already know she won it) and is all over the place. She has zero composure. When Twilight Eclipse wins, Rob talks first. Then Taylor. Kristin barely. She hurries as fast as possible to hang all over Taylor. Again, who is the couple here? From the dialogue, one might think it is Taylor and Rob. From the body language it appears to be Taylor and Kristin. But all the tabloids say it is Rob and Kristin. This is the craziest case of spin the couple I have ever seen.

Let's talk performances. As in actual performances. Selena Gomez was amazing. I was really pleasantly surprised. Such a young kid with a huge voice. I was really looking forward to Kid Rock. He is one of the few musicians who really has tried on just about every musical genre. I think that is pretty darn awesome. When I was married, my husband loved Kid Rock. Naturally, I had to take an opposing viewpoint and instantly loathed him... just because. When we got divorced, it was easier to give him a fair listen. I still think that song he did with Sheryl Crow has a good beat, but the lyrics are stupid. When he joined Big & Rich's Muzik Mafia, he went up a major notch. So, I have listened to my share of Kid Rock. So, what happened last night? Wait. I know the answer to this one. When you sing, you have to breathe from your diaphragm or your sound has no real substance behind it and it sounds tinny. As in not substantial or full. Huh. When you're recording in the studio and forget to do this, the person in the booth can stop you. When you are singing live... well, it just sounds like bad music. I was disappointed.

However, I think that was only the beginning, because the award came for Favorite Female Artist and Katy Perry won (not the disappointing part). She actually got two awards. They never did say what the second award was for, which was a cause for disappointment. What would you be expecting right now? The award for Favorite Male Artist, right? It did not happen. You read that right. In fact, almost none of the music awards happened. Do you want to know why? BECAUSE MARSHALL MATHERS WON FOUR PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS LAST NIGHT. HE SWEPT THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS. HOWEVER, HE DID NOT COME TO THE SHOW, SO THEY DID NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT HE WON ON LIVE TV. Yeah, they gave him No Love. However, I am sending out lots of love. Congratulations Marshall on your HUGE night. The people chose you over and over again. Some of them are really scary people who spend way too much time at their computer. For the record, I only voted for you six times in each category. I think that keeps me still on the sane side of the population. But then I am extremely biased on my own behalf.

Instead, they ended the big night with Best Movie. That was Twilight. I already covered that. I voted for Inception, by the way. Awesome movie.

all images found at www.weheartit.com

K IS FOR KINDNESS

2011-01-05T17:04:00.007-05:00

I know that many people blog simply because they enjoy writing, and this is one venue when others are clogged up, dried up, or feel like danger zones. Yeah, I am talking about those of us who really want to write that novel, but can't quite get a handle on it, so we blog in order to write something. At least that is how this whole thing started. I have discovered that there is a flipside to this blogging reality. And that, my blogging friends, is this: people in the real world are not very nice. There is a very real lack of kindness out there. Have you noticed?

If you have been blogging for any length of time, you may have met some people on here who are more friendly and kinder than anyone you actually know. It is comforting and discouraging, all at the same time. It is a relief to meet someone who is nice. It is horrible that they live in your computer.

I called a friend of mine who lives here on Christmas Eve, her birthday. Turned out not to be a good time. She said to call the next day because her family did everything on Christmas Eve. I called and got the machine. She promised that she would call me back. I left a message saying that I would be up until at least 10pm. Call anytime before then. Never heard back. That day or any day since. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I always was the one who called her. She never calls me. So, I am very undecided about what to do. So far, I am not calling again. Her son is good friends with my ex-husband. I called him (my ex, not her son) to talk about the kids this past weekend. Turns out he was at her house and it sounded like she was having a party. He also said he would call me back. Still waiting on that return phone call, too. There is definitely a part of me that is glad to not be at the top of my ex's priority list... However, common decency does dictate that I would like a call back within 48 hours. We are now well beyond that. And the fact that he made the guest list and I didn't on a party... well, that just sucks. No other word for that.

So today was my annual mammogram. Actually, my first ever. And it wasn't bad. Everyone should go if you are at that age. As in 40 or over. It was yet another dual lesson in kindness. After you get checked in, there is another small waiting room in the back. At a certain point, I knew that I was next. However, about four other women had come in. All of them got called before me and put into dressing rooms. At that time, the tech with my chart came in and saw what had happened. She became really angry because she knew what had happened. I had no idea, but I thought I was supposed to be next. She mumbled something about dressing rooms and said, "We're going to get you a gown and you can change in the room." And that is what she did.

As we got into the room with the machine, she handed me my gown. She told me that I was next in line, but the other techs were trying to beat me to the machine by getting their people into the dressing rooms first. She foiled their plan by taking the room with the machine and locking the door. Apparently, the unwritten rule is that if the person who is next is not "ready," then the following person on the list can supersede them. So, all the techs put their people in dressing rooms to see who could get undressed and into a gown first. It was like sharks in the water. It made my girl mad. Apparently, this was not a working environment where kindness reigned and co-workers looked out for one another. Where has all the kindness gone?

I was trying to explain this to my mom in the car while we were driving to the Sam's shopping complex. She had an exchange to make at Tractor Supply Company, and then we were making a fairly quick stop at Sam's Club. She never did quite grasp the situation. The idea that the co-workers were trying to jump each other in the line for the machines (there were two small plate, one large plate) was an alien concept to her. She simply couldn't wrap her brain around it. She is a "you do it the right way" person. Well, so am I. I would have had a tough time working there. Migraine city.

In the middle of all this, we were dealing with the interstate and merging into traffic. Some yo-yo was right on her tail and she got really upset about it. I was afraid we were going to have a repeat of what I call "the incident" from when I was in junior high. That would be the time some guy flipped off my mom in traffic, and it made her so mad that she rolled down her window, whipped out her middle finger, and shook it at him. She was screaming at the top of her voice, "To you too, buddy." I was holding a vanilla shake from McDonald's that I almost ended up wearing in my lap. That was as close as I had ever come to seeing my mom curse. Ever. My hands went limp and my whole body went into shock. I wasn't able to speak for nearly ten minutes. Like I said, we almost relived that again today. However, this time I was expecting it and I had no shake. A shake would have been nice, come to think of it.

image found at www.weheartit.com