Thursday, June 23, 2011

It is what you do at that crucial moment.

I checked my email today and JJ asked me when I was going to be ready to blog again. He was looking for a specific date. I know that he meant regularly. I used to be a daily blogger. I am not there yet. I don't when I will be. However, I will try to be better than I have been. I don't think not blogging is doing me any favors, so I will just commit to trying to being better than I have been.

Emptynester commented on my last post with a question about my migraines. Yes, I do have them all of the time. I have had this migraine since 2003. Every day. The only thing that varies is the level of severity. Sometimes it is really terrible. I call those bonecrushing. That is my own term. Other times it is more of a nuisance. I don't even take anything for it. It still wears on me just because it is chronic. It is like being tapped all of the time in the head with a tiny little hammer on those days. It doesn't really hurt. It is just annoying to the nth degree. Sadly, I haven't experienced a migraine like that in a long time. It has been all pain, all the time since my dad was diagnosed in February. Simply brutal.

I also get them behind my right eye. One of my friends who also get migraines says that if you stick a finger up each nostril far enough and press, you will find a spot that is very painful, but it will knock out that ocular part of the migraine. Well... in desperation I tried this little trick. My nostrils aren't wide enough to accommodate my fingers. I could just barely touch the painful area she was referring to, but she was right, because it did hurt. I could just barely reach the place inside my nostril that I was supposed to press together firmly. Just touching the periphery on both sides was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of actually being able to reach the area and smashing it together. I think I might have passed out. This stuff just isn't for sissies. Let me tell ya.

I did see the Green Lantern in 3D with a friend of mine. Not being a big comic book reader (sorry Phoenix, I hope you didn't hurt yourself), I really wasn't prepared for the awesomeness of this superhero. Our Green Lantern is only one of many Green Lanterns. They each have a grid in the solar system to protect. They get a ring and a lantern. They are chosen because they are fearless. That is one concept that gets worked over pretty good in the movie. Actually fear gets discussed quite a bit, but I don't want to ruin it for you. However, one thing our hero doesn't really get is that Green Lanterns aren't chosen because they are fearless. They are chosen because of their courage. No one is fearless. Everyone has fear. It is what you have at your core. It is what you do at that crucial moment. That is what counts. That is courage. It is the ability to overcome fear and do what needs to be done.

The other thing that I liked best about the Green Lantern is what fuels the Green Lantern's power. It is the will of the people. In other words, the Green Lantern might wear the ring, but he is only as strong as the will of the people. We are what make the Green Lantern strong. And all of the other living beings in the Universe fuel all of the Green Lanterns. The other superpower that Green Lantern has is to create any object simply by thinking of it. If he can think it, it will appear. It is through his sheer will. This is how he fights evil.

What a fantastic object lesson. It is through sheer will that you fight evil. Everyone is afraid, but digging deep and finding courage, you find yourself. If you think it, it will appear. If you focus on it, it will become reality.

You may be asking yourself right now why I am not focusing all of that amazing energy on ridding myself of my migraines. Excellent question, Holmes. I can't focus. Believe me, I have tried. That is the trap of chronic pain. I have tried. The key to achieving vibration with something and bringing it into your life is to be able to maintain focus on what you want (and not what you don't want). And when you have bonecrushing migraines you just can't keep your focus off of them. At least, I can't. And that, my friend, keeps them in your reality even though you don't want them. I need to break the pain cycle long enough to keep my attention off of them, so that they are out of my reality. Once that happens, well then we are off to the races. I know what needs to be done. And I think *pretty soon* we are going to get there.

I think I will start focusing on that reality. I will let you know how it works out.

In other news... I am dreaming about my dad nearly every night. I can't remember any of the dreams. Or just fragments. I am sure he just wants me to know he is okay. And just once, about a week ago, he dropped in on me. We prearranged before he died that he would let me know he was around by "perfuming" the air with apple cider vinegar. I was sitting here at the computer and I got a big whiff of apple cider vinegar out of nowhere. It didn't last long. However, I know that he is letting me know he is fine. Of course, I always knew that. I just miss him.

image by

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

O is for Over and Over Again.

When I start to think about writing a post, I say to myself, "Well, not much has happened and so much has happened." Crazy right? Both are true.

In some ways, not that much has happened. In other ways, it feels like I can't keep up.
  • Ah, those crazy migraines are still whomping me and good.
  • In great part, they account for the feeling that nothing has happened.
  • To those of you who don't live with chronic pain, this is just going to sound like whining and I apologize ahead of time. I have had this migraine since 2003. It is like getting on a bike and thinking you're going somewhere and arriving at the same damn place over and over. It is beyond frustrating, beyond annoying, beyond anything. And migraines hurt. They aren't headaches. No no no no no no no.
  • A hundred years ago doctors were using drills and drilling into people's heads and the patients were begging them to do it. No one does that for a headache.
  • Yeah, most of them died from that procedure. They call it practicing medicine for a reason.
  • So, when I get on my kick about axes and all that junk, it is because my head is freaking killing me. Nuff said.
  • Funny thing about it. Telling you how much it hurts, doesn't make it hurt less. So, moving on....
  • My sister-in-law's mother died last Thursday at 1:30am.
  • Yeah, it was shocking.
  • I wasn't completely unpacked from going up for my dad's funeral.
  • Mom and I had every intention of going up for her funeral, but this was so soon that we weren't recovered from the trip we just made.
  • Had we known, we would have just stayed up there.
  • The funeral was yesterday.
  • I sent her a condolence text message.
  • That way she knows I care, but I am not interrupting anything going on in terms of the business of the day. In other words, yesterday was all about her.
  • In other news, I went out to lunch and for some belated Christmas, birthday, and Mother's Day shopping with my ex and H-Girl. At the end of that, we had to run by his apartment and order something I wanted off of because we couldn't find it in the stores.
  • His roommate was there and ended up leaving with us because they were going to do something after he dropped me at home. On the car ride, they got to talking about Michael J. Fox.
  • They both are big fans of MJF. A list came out of MJF's best roles due to his 50the birthday. I stayed out of that conversation. I am not familiar enough with every single role he has ever been in to make an informed comment.
  • Then they got to talking about how great he looks for being 50. Now, that is something I can weigh in on. Unfortunately, I think he would look a lot better if the Parkinson's wasn't eating him up and I said so.
  • Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut.
  • His roommate told me that MJF looked better at 50 with Parkinsons than I do RIGHT NOW.
  • Shut my back door.
  • I told him that he was full of crap without actually saying he was full of crap, but pretty much saying he was full of crap. H-Girl was in the car.
  • My ex thought that was hilarious.
  • I watched The Social Network last night. At the start of the movie, this girl pointed out to the guy who was going to be the start-up guy for facebook, "You can tell yourself that girls don't like you because you're a nerd, but I'm here to tell you that the reason that girls don't like you is because you're an asshole."
  • My ex and his friend are like two peas in a pod. Nuff said.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

It's All A Brain Game.

Mrs. B featured my blog on her blog. She is participating in a hop. I don't have the energy for a hop. In fact, I think I need to go back to the bullet point style. I can feel my brain about to go into the crazy loop.

  • Whew, such a relief. I can now just fritter around like a hamster on a wheel and it is totally cool.
  • Sadly, I feel a lot like a hamster on a wheel.
  • Running and getting nowhere.
  • Well, I did go the library, pharmacy, and grocery store today.
  • Sadly, the pharmacy said that there was an hour wait on Rxs, so I just left. I could have cried or something, but I had nothing left. So I left.
  • I think I have two more pills left so it isn't a total emergency. Yet.
  • I actually did go on youtube for a few minutes and look up some Ellie footage. Why don't we have a looksee? Roll that footage, blogmeister:

  • If you click the bottom right it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size.
  • If you didn't understand why I love Ellie so much before, I bet you have a better handle on it now. She totally goes to battle for the people she loves. I am down with that.
  • I have been distracting myself with facebook and this game on there called Gardens of Time. I like it because it is a memory game. It is kind of like Where's Waldo. You have to memorize the scene and you play it over and over.
  • Why is this important? With my chronic fatigue and migraines, my memory is terrible. It is actually stretching and working my memory muscle.
  • Before all this went down with my dad, I started doing beginners yoga.
  • I am a very odd case. Even though I have fibromyalgia (which means aching joints and muscles), I was super flexible as a child. So, I am still more flexible than average as an adult.
  • So, I have a high flexibility, even though everything hurts like crazy. So, I can do yoga. It just hurts. And, I don't do some of the postures very well (aka downward dog).
  • My doctor says just to do the best I can without straining.
  • Right now, I am not doing at all.
  • I am mentally trying to get there again.
  • It is all a brain game folks. That was something that I already knew, but reading Chris's blog, A Deliberate Life, reinforced.
  • Do you feel like I have I haven't really said anything? Me too.
  • There are a few ideas that swirling around in my head. Mom and I listened to a portion of a book on CD on the drive. One of those ideas was "there is no stopping an idea whose time has come."
  • I think about that a lot with regard to my Big Idea. I have an idea for a non-profit that I have shared on here. If you want to know more click on My Idea in the sidebar.
  • He also talks about Inspiration. Inspiration coming from God. And when you are in tune with your Inspiration that is when Action happens. Things just start rolling out. There is no stopping an idea whose time has come.
  • And then I think about that pastor who said that I was blessed by God.
  • And hearing a voice telling me that this is what I was supposed to be doing.
  • I know that I need to get past all of this grieving so that I can get inspired, so that I can get well, so that I can get into alignment with my idea.
  • Because there is no stopping an idea whose time has come.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Keeping Up With Bullets (Bang)

You may or may not have noticed my lack of posting. This whole burying my dad thing has my head spinning. Kinda sorta literally. And my migraines are through the roof. And I am back to wanting to use the "F" word all of the time. I'm not. But I want to. Really really bad. And I think I am going to use the bullet post format because my head is all over the place and that way I don't have to make any sense. And that is going to be important I think.

  • So, yesterday at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my Rxs, I turned the corner, and I ran smack into the card section. It was all Father's Day cards. I couldn't help it. I stopped cold and stared at them for a few seconds and then kept on walking. I teared up, but didn't cry. I consider this progress.
  • I am crying now. So maybe not so much.
  • My migraines have been kickass ever since my dad died. I really think I might rip my head off of my shoulders with my bare hands. Has this ever been done?
  • The day of the funeral I caved and took hydrocodone. My head was KILLING ME. It didn't touch it. I mean not at all.
  • The worst part was that I had to act like I felt fine. Meet and greet and thank people for coming. Several of dad's high school classmates came. That was very cool.
  • Last night at karaoke several of the people from my mom's church said something first thing about my dad and how sorry they were. So, I know that the word was out about what happened. Mom missed church two Sundays in a row because of being in Ohio for the funeral.
  • However, this one guy came in and was talking to her about having to put his cat down last night and how sad it was. She was sitting next to me and he kept going on about it. Then he pulled out his camera phone and showed pictures of the cat to both of us. All the while, my mom had to keep saying how sorry she was about his cat. However, he said not one word about how sorry he was that my father just died.
  • My sister-in-law says that I think everything is all about me. I say this now because this story is possibly one more example that might be true.
  • Am I one of those people who thinks that everything is all about them?
  • For the record, I do feel sorry for this guy over the loss of his cat. I know that losing a pet is painful. I would have been somewhat more sensitive to it had he shown any sensitivity to me over the loss over losing my parent. Just sayin'.
  • You might be wondering how I know my sister-in-law thinks the above. She told me at the gathering after the funeral. I'd had a couple of beers. You know, I was mixing it with my hydrocodone to try and get some relief for my miserable migraine. Anyway, she was talking with someone that I had been talking with earlier and I walked up and I thought they were talking about the same thing we were talking about before.
  • I was wrong. And that something was related to me.
  • And she informed me that not everything is about me, contrary to what I believe.
  • At which point, I decided to be Ellie from Cougar Town. You can consult previous clips I have posted to get a better grip on the Ellie personality.
  • In this case, I placed my elbow on the table with my back to her facing the other person and resumed conversation with HIM, totally ignoring her. I figure two people can be rude just as easily as one.
  • She then says, "So when are you and your mom going back to Georgia?"
  • I then step back from the table and say, "Okay, I'm back in." As in, if we are talking about me, I am once again interested.
  • I don't recall if I answered the question or not because it was unimportant.
  • I really think my life would be a sitcom if I lived anywhere near my brother and sister-in-law. Or a tragedy. Not sure which.
  • I gave the minister who did the service for my dad the letters that I posted here. I also ended up telling him (in brief) about my Big Idea. After the service he leaned over and hugged me and told me I was blessed by God.
  • On the one hand it kind of freaked me out. But then again, I got the idea from a voice that I think was God. That would probably freak him out. So, maybe being told by a minister that you are blessed by God is really fantastic.
  • For the record, I did ask him about it (because of my degree of being freaked out) and he said that after listening to my idea he prayed about it. And he knew I was blessed by God.
  • Take from that what you will.
  • I didn't tell my sister-in-law about that. I already think everything is all about me. That would have sent her to to the freaking moon.
  • Maybe I should change the name of my blog. What do you think? I could call it IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT ME. Seriously, I do need to change it. There has been nothing daily about the dose.
  • Did I tell you that when my dad died all of the lines went out of his face? He died at 78 and had not even one wrinkle. Complete peace.
  • One last thing about my sister-in-law: I have decided that she doesn't particularly dislike me. She just has a lot on her plate and it is overflowing. Her filter is gone. Her mom's cancer is back and she is now in the same situation as my dad. Her own dad is very difficult to live with and makes her life hard. That will get worse now that her mom's cancer is back. Her mother is the only thing anchoring her dad to reality. So, pray for her. A person can only handle so much stress and this has already been a terrible year. It is only going to get worse.